Dustin Henderson

Roane Hill Cemetery, Hawkins – a few hours after I Chose You – CLOSED RP with @Eddie Munson I ST

When It's Cold I'd Like To Die - Moby

Usually, people didn't stay at cemeteries very long. They came, they mourned, they left. They carefully placed flowers at the foot of a grave. They pulled weeds from the soil. Gently scrubbed moss off headstones.

Or blood-red paint of ill-will.

Dustin usually stayed a little while after removing those from Eddie's headstone. Long enough to sit in the grass in front of it and let the silence settle over him. Sometimes it felt like the granite absorbed the weight he carried, steady and strong where he wasn't. Sometimes it simply felt like the only thing in the world that didn't judge the way he grieved.

He would stay until he felt a little lighter. Or until his bones hurt from sitting curled up for too long. Or until he knew Mike, Lucas, and Will would already be home before he started cycling back, because unlike him, they actually listened when their mothers told them to come home before dark.

But tonight was different. 

Tonight, Dustin stayed like he was trying to outlast the pain itself. Until his thoughts would run dry. Vanish into nothingness. Until there was not a single tear left in his body to cry. Until exhaustion finally hollowed him out enough to stop feeling anything at all.

Until Billy's words stopped echoing inside his head.

That night, he had this last chance to be himself, to be who he wants to be. To feel like this entire fucking chaos... meant something. Sometimes that's all it is. One moment. One choice that means more than everything that came before. And y'know, sometimes... sometimes in order to stick to that choice, you do the stupidest thing in the world that you know will put an end to it all. Even if it ends you.

"Asshole... Thinking he knows you..." Dustin muttered under his breath, though the insult collapsed halfway out of his mouth. Weak. Pleading. Like he begged for the insult to take the pain out of the truth. Or to make the truth less real.

"Thinking you would just... leave me behind. That he's anything like you..."

Dustin swallowed hard. His tearducts clenched. His arms tightened around his knees, trying to hold onto them like it could keep him from falling apart again.

After Billy had left, something had shifted inside him. Not relief. Not forgiveness, just... clarity. Like it was starting to make sense. Maybe, he could finally tackle the pain and make it stop, but... it still hurt. It was still not fair. Eddie was still gone and he would never come back. He was still declared a murderer without trial. He was still his best friend.

"But if he's wrong, then... why did you... do that?"

His voice cracked apart. 

"Was it because you thought you were a coward? Because you thought there was no other way? Because—"

A sob ripped out of him before he could finish. He buried his face against his knees, shoulders trembling violently.

"You were always brave to me," he cried. "God... I wish you could've seen yourself the way I always saw you..."

The words dissolved into broken sobs.

"I—I wish you could've graduated..." he whispered weakly. "N—Nobody deserved it more than you..." 

His fingers dug into his sleeves hard enough to hurt.

"I keep... carrying you around in my head like— like if I put you down for one second, you'll disappear for real. I... I keep trying to remember your voice... Your laugh, your stupid jokes... I wish you didn't leave me behind like this. I wish... I wish you were here!"

The scream that followed tore through the cemetery and vanished into the falling dusk. No one came. No one bothered. Not the workers locking the gates, if there were any. Not even the birds, who gradually quieted down with the sun. Not even the raising fog of the night shifting through the sky. Not even the falling cold that crept into his every bone.

Shaking, he reached out and pressed his hand against the granite.

"I miss you..." he whispered, the words disappearing into the silence.

He cried until there was nothing left. Stayed curled in the grass long after his back and legs began to ache. Stayed until his thoughts unraveled into exhausted emptiness and even Billy's voice finally faded from his head.

Eventually, his breathing slowed.

The wind rustled softly through the trees around him. Gentle. Rhythmic. Almost comforting.

And somewhere between one breath and the next, Dustin fell asleep sitting there in the cold grass, arms wrapped around his knees, his cap slipping slowly from his curls as the night settled quietly around him.

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