Joel Miller I TLOU
In Jackson, people hung fairy lights, stacked wood in front of their doors, laughed louder than usual. The sounds carried far in the cold winter light, and each one scratched at something Joel no longer wanted to name. He used to be able to ignore Christmas out on the road, on the run, in survival mode. But here, it was closing in on him, and with it the memories he still could barely bear. Sarah crept into the smallest moments, into the sight of children running across the square, into the smell of warm bread wafting from the community hall kitchen, into the crunch of snow under his boots, reminiscent of mornings long past. It all hit him unexpectedly and yet blurred; it was something he couldn’t prepare for, something he couldn’t control, even now after all these years. He hated this mixture of longing and guilt, hated how his chest felt tighter the closer the 24th came. And at the same time, he knew it wasn’t just about him, that he was no longer alone and that he had to pull himself together.
Ellie was here... Ellie saw the lights, heard the laughter, pretended it was all just a silly spectacle, but he knew her well enough to catch the way her gaze sometimes softened for a second when she thought no one was noticing. She wanted something she’d never really had, and he wanted to give it to her, even though he didn’t know how. At night, he often stood at the window. The snow fell silently, ice flowers crept up the glass, and Joel felt strangely exposed. In those moments, he thought about what he could give Ellie, but the only thing he could think of that made sense was stability and a home she could believe wouldn’t be taken away from her again. He knew he would never truly feel the holiday spirit again, but he wanted her to be able to. He wanted to give her something Sarah hadn’t gotten back then, because he was always away working on Christmas to give his child a better life, and in the end, he had destroyed the Christmas spirit... and instead of being able to give his daughter a better life, she had been taken from him.
He was so bad at showing his feelings, so bad at fitting in. Tommy kept telling him to pull himself together, and Joel tried.. he tried so hard that his memories blurred with the present world and he was forced to retreat again and again to hide his emotions. And yet, every now and then, he felt warmth in his chest when he watched Ellie secretly hang the figures she had carved herself on the Christmas tree, when she played Christmas carols on the guitar Joel had once given her for her birthday, and when she rolled her eyes as Joel sang Last Christmas several times a day.