How To Make Plans | Step 3: Tell the Truth | Stranger Things 4.5

[...]

The sun was going down soon, washing the station and the fields and forests beyond in molten gold light. Crows picked through the dirt, restless and alive in the cooling air.

Billy didn't look at any of it. Just breathed. Or tried to. His entire body was strung tight, something restless and ugly pressing at the edges of his chest, begging for a way out.

"...No," he said tightly. "I'm not okay. It's— fine. I just... need a minute."

He swallowed, then turned his head just enough to look at Steve. After a few seconds, he held out the cigarettes and lighter. They were his, after all.

"Are you okay...?"

Billy hesitated. He didn't want to talk. Not really. But the silence felt even worse. Too loud, too full.

"Steve," he started, rougher now, "You... you couldn't have saved Eddie. You know that, right? You were ass deep in other problems. He made a choice that no one could stop him from. Already told Henderson the same thing earlier..."

... FUCK.

Billy shut his mouth right then and there, but it was already too late. He went still, eyes squeezing shut as he exhaled hard through his nose.

Why can he not keep his stupid mouth shut? He dragged a hand down his face, a hollow, humorless laugh slipping out.

"See? Can't even keep that shit to myself."

Billy's head tipped back against the wall, jaw tight. 

"So how the fuck am I supposed to lie to Kay?"

“You’re not doing well… but is everything okay?”

A very strange statement, but Steve thought he understood it nonetheless.

“I’m okay.”

He took the cigarettes and put them back in his pocket. He was actually okay… he was stable at the moment… but he was far from being well.

“I know we couldn’t have saved Eddie.”

He muttered quietly, then you could clearly see that something was working in his head.

“You did what…? When did you tell Henderson that? you two actually parted ways on bad terms…? Billy…?”

He cleared his throat quietly and looked directly at him.

“And what does that have to do with Kay…? You’ve managed to throw her off the trail before… why wouldn’t you be able to do it again?”

Still, the Dustin issue wouldn’t let him go; it made him nervous… very nervous.

“What do you mean you told Dustin, Billy?? Please tell me what you mean… is he okay? Where did you see him…? Billy, please…”

He muttered, reproach in his voice; it sounded more like fear and desperation.

[...]

Billy took a long drag off his cigarette, summoning a plume of smoke that bloomed all around him. When Steve said he was okay, he looked at him considerably, like he was trying to find a better answer in his eyes. It was still hard to look at all those bruises on the guy's face. Hematomas tended to bloom deeper the next day, showing where exactly the damage has reached.

"What do you need...?" he wondered, softly, his eyes warm where his body remained completely tense. Then everything shifted after his little slip-up.

Now, the way Billy stared at Steve was drenched in confusion, guilt, and all sorts of mixed feelings coiled together. He grimaced as though he was in pain, eyebrows so tense they left a fold in the middle.

"... Relax. Henderson's fine," he reassured, although there was some bite in his tone. "What the hell is this? Why are you so— You think I beat him up or something? I... I saw him at the cemetery earlier, okay? At Eddie's headstone. I didn't just try to get takeout. I wanted to have a talk with him because I was sick of his bullshit and how he treated you, but it was fine. He spat some insults at me, I spat some truths back at him, and that's it. Truce or whatever. So now he'll hopefully stop being a little bitch to you. You can thank me later. And before you ask, no I did not threaten him... I didn't know how to tell you. Or maybe I didn't want to tell you at all, and it still slipped out of my damn mouth."

Billy flicked the ash off of his cigarette before crossing his arms. He knew Steve wouldn't be happy about it, but still, he hadn't expected such a reaction. He still leaned against the wall, but his foot was bouncing like always when he was unsure how to behave. 

"I don't think I tricked her... I think she knows that I have to let it sink first. And until then, she builds pressure. She always does. She... she knows which buttons to push. She's just like my dad. Like Henry. And... like someone else I had in my life once. If she senses that I'm lying, it's over. That's a fact."

Although it still felt as if there was no reachable goal, everything was still so vague… everything was still so unclear. But what threw Steve off balance again was the information about Billy and Henderson’s secret meeting… or rather, what had happened that he was only now learning about.

“I think it’s great that you react to a confused question with immediate defensiveness and try to throw accusations at me. I didn’t know anything about it… Dustin is my friend.. he’s like a brother to me… I think it’s normal that it confuses me or that I ask questions. And I’m worried, maybe you should learn to distinguish between: I’m afraid that someone is in trouble, and I’m afraid because someone has hurt someone else.”

He didn’t feel like starting a debate right here and now. Dustin seemed to be “okay”..there was no physical altercation, but it looked as though Billy had somehow managed to get through to him. That was good... or was it? That was what Steve had been hoping for, peace, or at least a truce. But it all felt so strange, or just plain confusing.

“If she senses you’re lying, she has to prove it to you first. You know exactly what that pressure feels like, and you can push buttons just as well, you’ve built up a facade, and I get a taste of that from time to time, too. And no… that wasn’t a criticism, just an observation. Use exactly that… show her the cool Billy who hates everyone and who can’t really stand all those idiots from Hawkins because they’re hicks. That might work. And just because this idea, this plan, is now floating around doesn’t mean you have to carry it out exactly like that. If you feel things are getting dicey, then don’t give her anything at all… then be like you were in the beginning, during the initial investigations, before you’d even entered this circle.”

He pointed at the building.

“She can expose us all with some spy shit… we could all fail, and Henry could get active again and ruin every plan. What was discussed today is just the beginning… it’s a tiny seed from which nothing has grown yet, so stop worrying so much and start trusting yourself a little more. . That’s what you’re always trying to drill into me, isn’t it?”

He stood directly in front of him and looked at him.

“What just threw you off track like that? What exactly was it? Can I help you in any way? What can I do so you stop trembling? So you have more confidence in yourself? It seems like you’ve gotten along with Dustin, you get along with Robin… even Lucas doesn’t seem as hostile as he did at the beginning. Isn’t that proof enough… that some things are actually going well?"

"Okay. Good. You know if you need anything, you can just..."

He gestured rather than finishing the sentence, hopeful that what he wanted to say was obvious enough. Because when Steve shot back at him — rightfully so — Billy's throat tightened so hard that his attempt to swallow hurt in his throat, and everything he would normally say was just... stuck in there. Unable to come out of him.

What would he have said?

Fuck off, probably. Something to shut him down, to make him feel stupid, so Billy could feel less stupid himself. Instead, he leaned the back of his head against the brick wall and looked up at the sky, taking a deep breath. Calm. Steady.

There is no need for this. It's Steve. Just Steve. He's not attacking you. He's not accusing you. You're safe. He's still here.

Slowly but surely, the tightness in his throat faded at last. His vocal cords no longer felt like they were spasming to the point of painful cramping.

"... Yeah. Okay. You're right."

Billy nodded once — too quick — before his gaze dropped and he flicked some ash to the ground. His voice returned, slowly easing the tension, even though he still shifted his weight in discomfort.

"Just caught me off guard," he muttered. "The way you said it. Like you thought I'd messed with the kid. Done something to him. I'm... Yeah. Sorry."

He huffed a breath. "Dustin's fine... Just getting a reality check, that's all. He'll live. He even let me help clean the headstone after yelling at me not to even look at it. That kid's got some strength for real."

Finally, he looked at Steve again, listening closely to every word.

"Hmm... Playing the asshole shouldn't be too hard. So I give her just enough to think she's got me figured out... and then shut it down when it gets too close. Yeah... Maybe I can do that."

I've done that all my life, he thought, but didn't say it.

But then, Billy sighed. "... I just don't trust her to keep her end, stick to her word. Feels like the kind of thing that flips the second you step outta line. I'll try..."

Billy's jaw clenched slightly. Defiantly. He took a final drag off his smoke before budding the filter out on the wall.

"I'm not having my stupid dad show up. And I'm not letting Max get dragged off somewhere I can't reach. I'm not handing El over. Or Will. Screw that." 

He hesitated without really knowing why, then added: "Same goes for you. I don't know what they do to people like you, but I'm not... I'm not risking that."

He nodded again while he listened. "Fine, fine, I'll try... Guess I don't get to tell you to trust yourself and then completely ignore it myself."

Billy hadn't realized how close Steve had suddenly gotten, and he held his breath, looking up at him. There were days when he hated that Steve was a little bit taller than him. Today was not one of those days. Somehow, it just made his presence feel more real. More stabilizing. Grounding. Easer to keep his gaze and not find an excuse to look away from him. 

He was so beautiful, even with the bruises. 

For a while, Billy just looked into his doe eyes, feeling his stance softening. No more trembling. No more shifting or tensing up. Just being. Here. With him.

"It's all just... still there. Everything that happened. What I—" 

He exhaled sharply. "Yeah yeah, I know. 'Wasn't you.' Sure. Not like that. But it was my eyes, watching it all. Doesn't really matter whose idea it was when it's your hands doing it. My memories feel like I just came out of it, too. Not a year ago. Yesterday. Sleeping for nine months does that to you, I guess. And now I've got front-row seats to everyone remembering it, too. Doesn't help when fucking Sinclair shows up acting like he had me figured out from day one... Maybe he did."

He gazed deeper into his eyes. Even quieter, only for him to hear, he whispered: "And I'm terrified. My dad's gone, sure. That's great. I'm me, yeah... I'm here again. But I'm still not in control of what happens to me. Or around me... Or to you."

His hand hovered towards Steve's, pausing on the way as though it reconsidered. Two fingertips curled around his wrist, just barely, and stayed there. Pressing. Feeling his pulse. Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum...

Despite himself, Billy closed his eyes. Held his breath for a moment, then released it deeply. Feeling Steve's pulse was so grounding, so real. So dependent and pathetic. But it helped. It always did.

"You are helping... If you weren't with me up there, I would... I don't know what I would do."

He swallowed. Being optimistic was hard in these circumstances, and it had usually been a set-up for disappointment in his life. But with Steve here, it at least felt possible. Steve was right. Some things were going well. It just took longer for Billy to feel it, too.

"There's gotta be a way, right?"

He assured him, though at the moment he was actually fairly stable, stable enough not to put up with being misunderstood. Billy and Dustin hadn’t gotten off to a good start, and Billy definitely had a tendency toward violence; that probably hadn’t changed entirely yet, but he wouldn’t accuse him of hurting the boy, not physically… and his best friend’s mental state was already fragile… not even Billy could make that worse.

“What did I say? If I’d had the feeling that you’d done something to him… then I probably would’ve grabbed you by the collar and asked no more questions. Dustin can defend himself… and he can be damn fast when he has to run… what surprised me more was that you’re only telling me this now, by accident. Can you imagine how strange it feels to me that you can apparently reach him and I can’t? And yet I can’t complain about it, because that’s exactly what I wanted… peace. Still… it confuses me, and I’m torn between: it hurts me, and: I think it’s good. Nothing more…”

Billy was allowed to clean Eddie’s gravestone… that had meaning.

Fortunately, the topic was quickly put to rest; Billy understood him, and there was already enough trust that he seemed to believe him… that was reassuring.

“Of course you can do it… and if not, then I know… then we all know you tried. And I agree with you that Kay won’t stick to agreements… that’s exactly why I’ve been overreacting to this lately, because I see exactly that… I feel exactly that, and because I hate it!”

He replied with a sigh.

“I agree with you about Max… Max needs to be protected with everything we’ve got, because she’s trapped somewhere. I’m sure she’s still ‘there.’ El and Will… well… and me… we’re three people who have minds of our own. Will is getting braver, stronger; it seems like he’s starting to break away just a little from his worried mother. I bet Joyce doesn’t even know he’s here. And El will do what she thinks is right; none of us can control any of that.”

Billy said he’d go along with it, but of course he seemed anything but composed, and Steve could understand that, because none of them could claim to be composed… except maybe Henry Creel.

“Sinclair will pull himself together… You heard Will, Will has been through it all too, trapped in that twisted world for a long time, but he’s fair… he refuses to give up, and you refuse to give up either. I understand that you don’t have time to process everything. I understand that it’s a lot… but you said yourself, you can’t get out of this Kay situation just yet, not as long as she can still keep her hand over Max. I hope there will come a time when you can finally process everything... when all this horror subsides. You deserve that... and I’ll try to help where I can.”

Steve looked at his wrist, which Billy was gently holding, took a quiet breath, and tried to calm his heartbeat, because every touch triggered something, something pleasantly grounding.

“I think there are many paths… I’m not as smart as some others… and no, I don’t mean to put myself down.. it’s a fact that I’m not very well-versed in science, and I believe there are scientific facts we don’t know yet. We’re not in some science fiction fantasy world here, there has to be a meaning. We have to find that meaning, and I think then we’ll have several paths. I’m scared… I don’t know if everything will turn out okay, but I still have hope. I have to have it.. I have to be there for the others… and I want to be, too.”

He muttered, took another step toward Billy, and pressed his forehead against his shoulder, just briefly, then looked up at him and tried to smile.

“We’ll suffer, that’s clear, we’ll lose things… and probably lose people who mean something to us… but if we do nothing, then none of us will make it, and I hope… that as many as possible do make it. You’re stronger than you think, even as the Billy, who doesn’t hate everyone and isn’t at peace with himself, who’s traumatized… who no longer knows where he belongs, or never did. If it’s any comfort to you, you have a place now. By my side and also by the side of the others in this building. You belong with us, if you want to.”

Then he whispered.

“And you belong with me, if you want to...”

At the notion of him probably noticing it if something was wrong with Steve, Billy's lips curled into a little smile. In his head, he agreed. He would notice that Steve had a bug up his ass even before he did. But it was no longer tied to the pressure of watching his tone or walking on eggshells to avoid conflict. Here, it was safe. With Steve, it was... nothing more than simple, heartwrenching care that made him look out for the guy. And if there was something he needed, Billy would drop everything he was holding and get it for him without so much as an eye-roll.

... Okay, maybe, there was an eye-roll. Some complaints, too. But they were quieter each day. Less like 'stop bothering me' and more like 'why didn't you dumbass tell me sooner?' Because if he complained and still did something for you, Billy truly cared. Deeply.

"I didn't tell you because it wasn't—" He cut himself off and heaved a sigh. "It wasn't even supposed to matter that much. And he didn't exactly sit there crying into my shoulder or anything. He yelled at me and pushed me around for like ten minutes first. It's not that I reached him and you couldn't, it's... it's that I know what he's doing. It's that you're the one he couldn't afford to be honest with. Because if he admitted why he was really angry at you... after everything that happened, everything you did for him... then he'd feel like a complete piece of shit. Losing Eddie broke him. And he thinks telling you the truth might cost him you, too. And I'm already the asshole in his head. Less to loose, am I right? That's why it... did something, I guess. Why it had to be me and it couldn't be you. Not yet."

Billy paused, biting his lower lip. "Did it for you, mostly. Didn't wanna tell you 'cause I knew you'd be hurt. I thought I could take my shot at protecting you, too, for once... I'll tell you next time, okay? No more secrets. At least not that kinda secrets."

Admitting something so deep and vulnerable still made his heart jolt with pain, but he breathed and steadied himself. It also grounded his hammering heart with weight. With reality. 

Billy listened to the rest attentively. At this point, it was actually helping that Steve was just as frustrated about Kay as he was. Made him feel more justified in how trapped he was feeling, and at the same time reminded him that he did not have to suffer through this mess alone. 

Maybe if he stopped trying to drown out the world and distract himself, he could learn to process everything he had been through last year. Billy wasn't sure how to tackle that yet. Just driving past Brimborn Steelworks — where everything had started — made him start trembling and forget how to breathe. 

He rarely accepted meaningful help. But when Steve offered to be there for this process, it felt... manageable. 

"You think I should... talk to Sinclair tonight? Or is it too soon? There's some things to get outta the way, I feel."
Steve's pulse on his wrist quickened noticeably and Billy pressed his fingers a little more firmly against the inside of his wrist just to make sure. For a second, he could barely tell whether he was feeling Steve’s heartbeat or his own. They were racing at nearly the same pace now, uneven and nervous in a way that made his chest tighten. He hated that he barely listened to a word he was saying at this point. Not because he couldn't care less — God, he cared too much — but because Steve's voice in itself was so calming, he couldn't help but focus on the sound of it over everything else. 

The low warmth of it kept pulling at his attention until the meaning of the words blurred together, leaving Billy focused only on the sound, steady and close in front of him.

And then... Steve came even closer, the pressure of his forehead on his shoulder causing his breath to hitch. 

Now, Billy listened. Looked at him again, right into his eyes. Steve smelled really nice. God damn it...

His chest raised and fell with every breath. He could not look away from him. What Steve whispered to him at the end didn't make it entirely better.

It made it even worse. 

And you belong with me, if you want to...

Such pretty words said so quietly, only for him to ear, from the prettiest man with such an equally pretty look in his eyes...

For a moment, Billy just stood still. Staring. Processing. Then, melting. His long lashes fluttered as he finally smiled again. It wasn't a simple smile. It was the kind he could do best; Subtle, intrigued, flirtatious. But something about it was a little different this time. In its shadow, there was relief. Contemplation. Depth.

"Ohh... That's dangerous, y'know..." Billy whispered lowly, "saying something like that to my face... and then expecting me not to kiss you on the spot..."

He breathed a little chuckle. This wasn't just about flirting. This was leaning into connection, into the deepest bond Billy Hargrove had ever experienced with anyone in his life.

Had they not made that 'deal' last night — the one where Billy would wait for Steve to be ready until he kissed him first — Billy would have already grabbed him by the waist and melted their needy lips like this was their last day on this planet. He was contemplating it. Thinking about doing it anyway. But the deal wasn't the only thing stopping him.

They were not alone here. And Billy wanted more than anything for that moment to be to themselves only.

Billy lowered his gaze to his hand wrapped around Steve's wrist and let out a slow, restraining breath. He pressed his other hand hard between his back and the wall, pinning it there to keep it from doing anything ill-considered. The rough brick bit into his skin, grounding him, anchoring him in place, while the steady rush of Steve's pulse beneath his fingertips pulled at him like a tide trying to drag him out into open water.

"Bold of you, actually... It almost sounds like... I could be home to somebody... And you know what the worst part is?"

The anchor could not fully hold against the tides. Billy leaned in, resting his forehead against Steve's temple with closed eyes.

"I believe you..." he uttered, barely above a whisper. "I believe you, and that gives you more power over me... than Kay could ever have..."

AI GENERATED BY ME

And maybe that was exactly why the thing with Dustin still hurt a little. Not because Billy had done something wrong… Steve understood now why it had been Billy and not him. Dustin needed someone he could lash out at without fearing he’d lose them completely afterward. Steve got that. Honestly, he even thought it was good that Billy had been there for him. That they had somehow reached each other. But it still left this tiny ache somewhere in his chest anyway, because a part of him hated feeling replaceable, hated realizing that sometimes he couldn’t fix things for the people he loved no matter how badly he wanted to. But another part of him… a bigger part… was proud of Billy for it... proud in a way that almost made his chest hurt worse.

Still, Steve wasn’t blind anymore either. Billy could push, deflect, lash out, twist things around when he panicked, and he understood why… but understanding it didn’t mean he’d quietly let himself be torn apart by it forever. He cared too much now for that, maybe too much in general. His thumb brushed slowly against Billy’s neck while he looked at him... really looked at him.

“I don’t want power over you.”

The words came quietly, but firmly.

“I don’t want you obeying me or changing who you are for me or any of that bullshit. That’s not what this is.”

He swallowed once, his own nerves making his heartbeat stutter again beneath Billy’s fingertips.

“I think… all anybody really needs is someone who gives them hope when everything else feels completely screwed. Somebody they can trust when things get ugly. And you do that for me, Billy.”

Steve’s expression softened further then, something openly vulnerable flickering through it now.

“You give me hope, even when you’re freaking out, even when you think you’re failing, even when you’re convinced you’re dangerous or broken or whatever the hell your brain keeps trying to tell you.”

His hand tightened just slightly against Billy’s side, grounding himself too now.

“And I trust you... completely, maybe that sounds insane considering everything, but I do. I believe in you, Billy Hargrove... I think you’d tear yourself apart protecting the people you care about if it came down to it.”

His voice dropped

“I see the way you talk about Max. About the kids. Hell, even Lucas... you care already, even if half of them still don’t fully know what to do with you yet.”

Steve let out a quiet breath through his nose, almost laughing at himself a little before admitting the next part.

“Honestly? Part of me kinda wants to grab you and just disappear somewhere far away from all this crap sometimes. Like… really far. Somewhere none of this reaches us.”

His lips twitched faintly. Sad and fond all at once.

“But we both know we’d never actually do it.”

Because they couldn’t... and they both knew it.

“Max is here, the kids are here... Robin..everybody. And you’d never abandon them. No matter what you say about yourself.”

For a long moment afterward Steve just stayed there close to him, enjoying the warmth of him, the grounding pressure of Billy’s fingers around his wrist, the feeling of existing beside someone who somehow understood him in all the ways that mattered. The music from inside sounded distant out here now, muffled beneath the night air and their breathing. God, he really didn’t want to move, but eventually Steve let out a quiet sigh and rested his forehead briefly against Billy’s again before pulling back just enough to look at him properly.

“…We should probably go back inside before people start assuming we murdered each other out here.”

The corner of his mouth lifted slightly.

“Even though I honestly don’t want this to end yet.”

Dangerous. God, this was dangerous...

And he loved it. Loved the way Steve's pulse stumbled against his fingertips. Loved the sharp ache of wanting to kiss him so badly it was almost unbearable. Loved, maybe most of all, that he could still hold himself back despite it. That somewhere inside all this chaos, there was still one thing he could control about himself... Because everything else was slipping.

His own body, his mind, his temper, his autonomy. Some days, Billy felt like he was about to explode and take everything down with him. But with Steve beside him, something inside him quieted. Not completely... Never completely. But enough that he could breathe without feeling like he was seconds from detonating. Enough that he felt in control.

And maybe... that was what healing actually felt like.

A small smile tugged at his mouth. Billy opened his eyes again, careful to keep them fixed on their hands instead of Steve's face.

"I know you don't want power over me," he murmured. "Why do you think I'm okay with it? Everyone else can go fuck themselves. This isn't me forcing myself to change or obey anybody. I just... do what feels right to me now. And lately, so many things feel different than before."

At some point, without meaning to, his hand had slipped from Steve's wrist. His fingers drifted lower until they laced with Steve's, the movement so automatic that he didn't notice it happening.

Stupid... Absolutely stupid how fast heat rushed into his face after what Steve had just said. Billy let out a quiet, almost helpless laugh and looked away, suddenly feeling ridiculous — like some schoolgirl getting flustered over their first crush. Steve's hand remained steady against his side, and Billy had to focus on breathing through it, because his heart had started misfiring so violently, he thought he might actually pass out on the spot. Drop like a bag of rice. 

Steve's words settled somewhere deep, warm and terrifying all at once.

I trust you.
I believe in you.

Nobody had ever trusted him carefully before. People trusted him accidentally, temporarily, stupidly — until they saw enough to know better. And belief? That was even rarer.

Most people only ever told him to calm down, stop being difficult, stop being so angry all the damn time. Like he was something to manage instead of someone worth understanding. Somebody had believed in him once, but it was so long ago that it might as well have never happened.

"I don't know what the hell to do with someone trusting me this much," he admitted quietly. "Half the time I still feel like I'm one bad day away from screwing everything up. But you... You keep standing there like I'm worth relying on anyway, and I'm starting to... believe it, too." 

A shaky laugh slipped out of him.

"Do you have any idea how fucking terrifying that is?"

Billy bit his lip and finally looked up at him again. Big mistake. Steve's eyes nearly undid him right then and there.

"That stuff you said," he muttered quickly, words stumbling out before he could get lost in the look on Steve's face. "About hope and trust and everything... Yeah. I feel that, too. With you. All of that. You... You got so important to me so fast, it's got the potential to piss me off. Feels kinda violent, honestly."

The corner of his mouth twitched upward. 

"Almost makes me wanna file a restraining order."

A soft laugh escaped him, quieter this time, almost embarrassed. He didn't know if his words came out right, but then again, Steve had never disappointed him in that regard... even when Billy barely understood himself.

"Jesus Christ, Harrington... More of this sweet-talking crap and I swear to god I'll start doing really unhinged shit, like — I don't know — letting you win arguments on purpose," he joked and paused dramatically.

"Or communicate honestly. Like an adult. You sure you want that on your conscience? Real dangerous territory."

He couldn't help but smile sweetly at him. Running away with him... Yeah, that sounded like a dream he could work towards. 

"I've always wanted to go back to San Diego once I'm 18. Nothing was keeping me here. But my dad kept most of the money I earned, and now..."

A sigh. Now Hawkins wasn't something he could abandon. Not while the area was still on lockdown and Kay blackmailed him. Not while Henry was out there and the kids were unsafe. 

Not before Max awoke from her coma. Not before Billy could make things right. 

Billy exhaled slowly, his smile slowly returning. His thumb caressed Steve's unconsciously.

"When this is all over... I'm taking you to Cali, even if just for a week... I'll show you the best beach you've ever seen in your life. And I'm gonna teach you how to surf, even if you'll suck at it and you'll complain the whole time. Yeah... I want that."

Billy remained standing close with him for a while, like neither of them knew how to step away anymore. Once or twice, Billy caught himself wondering whether someone might see them. But honestly? He couldn't give less of a shit. Because even if Steve wasn't really his yet — not fully, not officially, not in the ways Billy kept desperately wanting — this still felt dangerously close to it. And he wanted to hold onto that feeling for as long as he possibly could.

"No offense," he said with a quiet laugh, "but I think 'those two are about to kill each other' stopped being believable after you put your hand on my knee back there."

And of course, because he was Billy Hargrove, he added a little wink to his words. 

Eventually, he forced himself to let go, and only then did he notice how tightly their fingers had been intertwined. Billy frowned faintly, trying to remember the exact moment he'd stopped holding Steve's wrist and started holding his hand instead.

He couldn't. So he let out the faintest little laugh. 

"Oops... Don't want it to end either..." he whispered. "But, yeah... We should go back..."

For a moment, he just looked into his eyes again, warmth and tenderness blooming in his ocean blue eyes. 

The thought crossed his mind without permission again. Just kiss him already. Screw the deal. 

He swallowed and his gaze drifted, briefly, to Steve's neck, and an even worse idea followed immediately. But even that was a line he shouldn't cross. Billy knew the moment his lips would touch that neck, there was no going back.

He looked around for a second. No one there. 

And then, he leaned in. Slowly. Deliberately. Like he was giving himself every chance to stop.

His eyes slipped shut...

And he kissed Steve's cheek instead. Soft and brief, almost hesitant. Steve's skin was incredibly warm, criminally smooth, and for a moment, Billy didn't move at all. 

"Thank you..." he whispered. "For everything you do, everything you are..."

AI GENERATED BY ME

He released his hand in one swift motion, and pushed himself off the brick wall to go back inside, as if holding on any longer would undo him completely. Still, Billy grinned softly when he looked at Steve, motioning for him to come along.

This time, his steps were much lighter, much steadier than they were before. Like the weight he'd been carrying had lost its grip just enough to let him breathe again.

Billy’s words about trust were still echoing in his head, and Steve suddenly didn’t know what to do with himself. That feeling of constantly being afraid of ruining everything, of being too much, of not being enough, of eventually disappointing people because he himself could never quite believe that they would really stay. And yet Steve was still standing there. His heart clenched painfully when Billy said that hope felt almost violent, he even understood that.. perhaps precisely because he felt the same way himself. A soft laugh escaped him at the mention of the restraining order, but it sounded gentle.

“Oh my God… Please don’t be honest, that would be really, really creepy.”

He tried to seem casual, but his voice had long since given him away. And when Billy then spoke of California… that caught him completely off guard. Steve just looked at him. San Diego, beaches… surfing… a future. Not just some silly dream anymore, not just a maybe someday, but a real us. Something in his chest suddenly grew so heavy with longing that it almost hurt. He could immediately picture Billy there. Sun-bleached hair, salt on his skin, that stupid arrogant grin while he’d probably be mercilessly dunking him underwater. And Steve suddenly wanted that so badly it scared him, because a future for the two of them had never been a certainty before. It wasn’t until seconds later that Steve realized he was staring at Billy as if he’d just been given the most beautiful thought of his life.

“I’d be incredibly terrible at surfing... but I’d do it anyway. With you, I’d probably even go drown myself voluntarily.”

The grin that followed was meant to lighten the mood, but it didn’t at all. Steve felt Billy’s gaze on his neck, and that alone sent such a wave of heat down his spine that he almost felt dizzy. His pulse immediately raced. He knew exactly what would happen if Billy really kissed him. He wouldn’t push him away, and that was exactly why Steve stood completely still as Billy leaned in. He could hear his own heartbeat pounding far too loudly in his ears; his breath caught in his throat; even his fingers reflexively tightened around Billy’s hand. Then he felt the kiss on his cheek, he just blinked, then looked at him, completely overwhelmed by this simple little touch. He wanted to say something cool, something witty, but all that came out was a quiet, honest:

“Shit, Billy…”

And when Billy suddenly pulled away and headed toward the entrance, Steve actually needed a moment to even move again. He just stood there for a moment, completely dazed, with that utterly idiotic, lovesick look on his face. Then he ran his fingers nervously through his hair, took a deep breath, and finally followed him back into the building, still feeling that warm pressure on his cheek.

[...]