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| HAWKINS FAMILY VIDEO ARCHIVE // BEST VIEWED ON PC | TAPE 06 | ||||
| NOW PLAYING
You're Saving Me Too STRANGER THINGS 4.5 // 1986 |
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| ← PREVIOUS CHAPTER » ALMOST A RESCUE | |||||
After the storm of their argument fades, Steve and Billy finally sit down and face what’s been left unsaid. In the quiet that follows, they forge a pact for the road ahead — one that feels like a confession laid bare, a prayer whispered into the dark, a promise neither of them takes lightly... and a vow to choose each other when it matters most.
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 GIF MADE BY FABULOUS KILLJOY
Eddie Munson leaned back slowly, the dice lay between them, he hadn't even touched it, he had simply looked at it. His gaze hovered between pity and cruel satisfaction, and then he breathed a sigh of relief as he pounded the table with his fist. “HA! Steve... Steve, Steve, Steve, I really wish I could tell you right now that courage, friendship, or your beautiful hair will save you here." Eddie pointed at the dice and bowed his head theatrically. The dice had chosen... the decision had been made, and so there was no turning back. Steve wasn't playing a hero. Eddie had explained that to him, in detail and very patiently, he wasn't playing someone who could lead, someone who could take risks, he was playing a follower, a character whose survival depended on sticking to the rules, staying in the shadows, not wanting anything of his own... his abilities were far from mature. The character was neither smart nor particularly strong; he had no magical abilities... in a way, he had only just been born into the worlds Eddie created. A nothing, a nobody with only a name and a bag with nothing in it but hard bread and a stone. But apparently Steve hadn't realized that... because he was trying to protect his troop... like he always did. Steve had improvised where no improvisation was intended... he had acted, but consequences were the only thing this game knew. The move had failed... completely. Eddie had explained how the chain reaction had spread, how one wrong decision had been enough to topple everything. The group didn't die because the enemy was too strong, they didn't die because fate was cruel, they died because Steve ignored the rules. Eddie closed the rulebook, slowly and solemnly. "You had one job... one. You're not playing a hero, a leader, a fucking chosen one. And you fucked up." A theatrical sigh, as if his heart would break. “This is Dungeons & Dragons, not a basketball game or showering with Billy Hargrove, Harrington.” Eddie spread his arms. “What a sad, epic ending...” He pointed to the imaginary figures in the group one by one. "The cleric.. dead, the ranger.. shredded... into all its parts, not a pretty sight. The mage, had just enough time to scream your name before everything went dark. POOF... that was your move, Steve... and you led your troop to the grave. They warned you... begged you, but well... now the lone follower has to deal with it. A lonely life... a guilty conscience that will eat away at you, an eternal life with no joy and only sorrow... in my world. Death... they're all dead... because of you..." When Steve opened his eyes, his heart was beating far too fast and fear was choking him. This dream had been too real... too real. Would he actually lead his friends to their deaths? Was this his destiny? |
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| Billy had a splitting headache and a hurting back when he woke up sitting against his door, groaning and rubbing his swollen red eyes. He hadn't noticed that he was falling asleep in that position, so it took a couple of seconds for him to remember how he had ended up like that. The final frames of his dream was already starting to fade from his memory, and still, from the sense of dread inside his chest, Billy had a feeling that it hadn't been a good one.
The dried tears on his face made it feel so sticky that even his eyelids wouldn't open right away. Heaving a deep sigh, he forced himself up and onto the pullout with his jeans and shirt still on. Billy told himself not to think about what had happened and not to feel anything about it, in hopes of falling back asleep as soon as possible. It didn't work. Lately, Steve was the very first thing on Billy's mind when he woke up, and that wasn't going to be different this time just because he didn't want it to be that way. Then again, he also wasn't complaining when he couldn't stop thinking about him while he was alone in the basement at night... Billy stared up at the dark ceiling, exhausted out of his mind, and wondered if Steve was okay. Another part of him wanted to curse the guy for everything that had been said the evening before. But then, he suddenly felt like he had more clarity in his mind than before, even if the headache was so strong that he thought his skull might explode any second. Where the hell was this damn pain coming from? Finally, when he looked at the empty water bottle next to the sofa, he remembered that he hadn't been drinking as much as Dr. Kay had advised him to. Awesome. That woman was haunting his every move, even here, and if he didn't do as she said, his head was hurting as though someone had hit him with a sledgehammer. Billy pulled himself out of bed and forced himself towards the kitchen upstairs to get himself a glass of water. Or five. He frowned when he noticed from afar that the light was on. Weird. And when he spotted Steve standing in the kitchen as well, Billy froze and stared at him. The moment lasted longer than it was reasonable, and the discomfort that settled in his chest was making it hard to breathe. Instead of saying anything at all, Billy eventually strutted into the kitchen and got himself that glass of water without so much as acknowledging him. It wasn't out of spite or malice. It was sheer insecurity, not knowing how to act in a moment of suffocating awkwardness. Billy finished his glass in one go and set it down again to wipe his mouth, but he didn't leave. He felt like he was seeing him again for the first time in ages, like that day in the hospital when Steve had taken him home for the first time. Like he had forgotten how far and how close they had become since then; And Billy couldn't possibly put into words how much he hated that. That's not how he wanted this to be. How he wanted them to be. So he shut his eyes and swallowed, bracing himself as he took the deepest breath that he could. And then, he finally looked at Steve, frowning when he noticed how red his eyes were. "You okay? Can't you sleep...?" he murmured quietly. Billy's frown deepened and he turned towards him as he realized how shaken up he really looked. Now that the lighting was much better, the bruises on Steve's knuckles were much more visible, and they looked bigger and deeper than Billy remembered. Not to mention his nose and the bruising underneath his eyes as a result... "Hey... What's wrong? Did you have a bad dream?" |
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| Steve had pulled up all his facades again, tried to return to who he thought he was. His heart was still filled with deep sadness; it felt like he had already lost everyone… like Billy was already gone, like he was alone in this world and actually responsible for it. The dream haunted him… and yes, it bothered him, but he kept telling himself that it was just a dream, a dream that perhaps held a grain of truth. Whenever he replayed the evening in his mind, he felt this intense pain in his chest. The pity and compassion he felt for Billy, the understanding that was still omnipresent. So many feelings had been awakened in him… so much all at once that he no longer knew what he was supposed to feel. But he knew one thing… Billy already meant everything to him, and this had happened in such a short time. And if Steve was in love, then he was wholeheartedly in love. The same was true of friendships; when he took someone into his heart, it was forever.
Billy, Dustin, El… Max, Lucas, Will… Mike. Joyce and Hopper… Murray, Robin. All these people meant so much to him… and even Nancy was still in his heart, and probably Jonathan too, somehow. It was overwhelming… because he had no solution, no plan, no goal that felt achievable. And slowly even he was losing hope, and hope was what was actually keeping him alive. When he noticed Billy’s presence in the kitchen, he froze and didn’t say anything at first, but stared at a photo hanging on the fridge. A hypocritical family picture in which everyone looked happy. At first he thought Billy would leave the kitchen again quickly, that he was perhaps still angry… or that he was trying to push Steve away. But then he heard his voice and, to be honest, he was a little… surprised. But what did that do to him? Should he just pretend that nothing had happened? That would be Steve… that would be exactly what he always did, wouldn’t it? “Just a dream… but… we all… dream strange things.” He muttered quietly to himself. “Nothing’s wrong… I’ll be fine.” Which was a half-truth. He would be fine, there was no doubt about that, but actually… he couldn’t handle himself anymore. “I sent Murray a list… things we’ll need over the next few weeks. Food, medicine, things you can’t just order or buy in the stores here. Parts that can be used to make weapons.” He decided to show Billy that he wasn’t letting himself down now, that he was turning all his grief into action, because he too had wondered whether it had been right to… flirt… and whether he was even entitled to do so in times like these. “Protein powder… that’s important, for you…” But then he came to his senses. Billy didn’t like it when help was obviously “forced” on him. “For us… for us. I need to work out and build muscle too. In times when nothing bad happens, you have to prepare. I’ve written down training plans from books. I made one for you too… but you can ignore it if you want to. I just figured while I’m at it… I might as well do it… for you.” His voice sounded like Steve’s, but the undertone was still weak and broken. “Clothes… I asked for sturdier clothes. Camouflage colors… and I finally read through the prepper books Murray gave me a long time ago. They explain how to make weapons and even how to jam signals in case you’re bugged. I think I’ll go to the radio station later and steal a few technical things. It’s enough if we’re being watched… at least you can make the house tap-proof that way.” Only now did he turn toward Billy, but he didn’t look directly at him; his gaze stayed fixed on the floor. “Will you do me a favor and not just leave? No matter what you may think now, I don’t want to be here alone. Even if you want to ignore me… no problem, I can handle that somehow. But please… don’t just disappear, because… I’d come looking for you. I’d look for you like a complete idiot, and it might piss you off if I found you then. I don’t… want to fight anymore, with anyone. I want to… work… somehow.” That was his way of revealing himself, a revelation he could at least identify with a little. |
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| Billy looked down at his feet when Steve answered, nodding weakly. Even though he couldn't remember most of his own dream, he replayed the faint pictures in his head: Max jamming a needle into his neck. Lights violently flickering. Max suddenly turning into Steve and the needle was a knife instead. That image alone felt like a punch in his sternum, making him draw a breath and rub his red eyes.
"We do, yeah... Do you, um... wanna talk about it? About the dream?" he asked, quiet and low, like his voice was trying to stop him from asking that question. Afterwards, he just listened to him speak while he picked and bit his nails, glancing at him like he might end up with acid in his eyes if he looked at him for too long. Steve's closed-off demeanor affected him instantly, so much so that Billy mirrored it. Still, if he couldn't bring himself to look at him yet, he would at least listen to his voice with as much attention as he could. And what he heard was... saddening. It put a frown on Billy's face along with the deep wish to take all of Steve's pain away. That feeling was strange, new. And yet familiar, somehow. A deeply buried memory of a woman's sobs pushed itself to the forefront of Billy's mind. And then, the dreadful realization that he was largely responsible for how Steve was feeling started stinging in his chest. "I, uh... I only have one kidney left now, so... I can't take protein powder yet. But I think I can take a little bit if I drink enough water, and... I can start with light exercise now, too. So, I guess that's fine... Thank you." When Steve turned towards him and expressed the favor he wanted to ask, Billy finally looked at him again, even if the guy kept looking to the floor. For a moment, he was just completely speechless, like his brain decided to shut off while he tried to process these words. It was so stupid, wasn't it? Steve had shown time and time again that he cared about him, and yet, Billy was still so surprised and dumbfounded about it every time? "I won't leave... I have nowhere else to go. No one else to... turn to. It's stupid but I don't want to be alone either, and... even if I wanted to ignore you... I don't think I could do that." His heart felt heavy with guilt as he looked at Steve's bruised knuckles again, and he wanted to curse himself for feeling so unspeakably weak just for seeing him like this. His lungs trembled when he tried to take a breath to speak, and briging these words out was hard, so hard, even though Billy desperately wanted them to be said. "S-Steve, I... I'm sorry. About everything. About what I said earlier, about how I acted, how I screamed at you... I was freaking out, I couldn't think straight. I was just being a fucking asshole and I don't know why and I... I hate it. I really hate me when I'm like that but it's not your fault, it's just... Fuck... I don't wanna fight, either. There's too much fighting going on already. I mean... we were both kinda being stupid but I don't blame you for any of it, so... again, I'm... I'm sorry." His chest felt even heavier after the apology and he could barely take it, even almost regretted it. He needed to do something, anything, to distract himself — and Steve — from how pathetic and woeful he looked. Billy took a step towards him, taking Steve's bruised hands with a light, exploratory touch. He brushed his thumbs over the wounded knuckles and examined them attentively, squinting his eyes for a better look. "There's still dirt in them, chunks of bark... You need to wash it out or else it gets infected," he warned, his voice suddenly stronger again but also faster. Billy told himself to keep talking, no matter what about, in a desperate attempt to conceal his helplessness. He didn't know what else to do. "Look... Your skin is split, right there. You're gonna have a real problem if the bacteria gets to the bone..." He let go with one hand and turned on the sink faucet, making sure the water was neither too hot, nor too cold, when he guided Steve's hands into the stream. Billy's wild eyes stared and he breathed sharply, not because what he saw was particularly horrible, but because he had never done anything like that before. At least, not for someone he allowed himself to care about. During his time as a lifeguard and swimming teacher, there had been some instances where he would console a pool visitor. An older man had a heatstroke and Billy had made sure to make him feel safe before the ambulance arrived. A boy had scraped his knee when he slipped and fell, and somehow, Billy managed to make him laugh again while he looked after the wound. He remembered how rewarding these moments had been, how surprisingly easy it felt to take that responsibility. He never had a problem distancing himself emotionally from these things, either. This time, it felt different. Unusual. Too close. Billy washed the dirt out of Steve's wounds, and it started bleeding a bit again despite how careful he was, but it was fine. It would help them get rid of the dirt. Billy swallowed before he rambled on, just like Steve sometimes would when he was nervous. "I have a ton of Ibuprofen left that I can't take anyway 'cause of my kidney, so you can have all that. I think I even have some antibiotics somewhere that I was supposed to take weeks ago but never did 'cause whatever it was for healed on its own just fine. You can have that, too. It looks like nothing's broken in your hand, otherwise it would be really swollen and it would hurt so much that you wouldn't even let me touch them, and your nose... It's swollen but not too bruised, I think. I don't think it's broken but if you want, I can check to be sure, but I have to warn you that I'm not a doctor so you should take my words with a grain of salt and... I would really appreciate it if you don't hurt yourself like that again, alright? A broken nose is more dangerous than you think." |
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| “I don’t know, Billy… what’s the point of talking about dreams? You don’t even know anymore if they aren’t planted by some Upside Down fucker. It was Munson… he played D&D with me… I was some meaningless something, but apparently I tried to save the group anyway… failed, all dead and torn to shreds. And even in my dream Eddie had that theatricality down incredibly well… very inspiring.”
He talked about it simply because it was always good to talk about it, even if it felt pointless to him and even if, as usual, he barely gave himself any importance. Still, he tried to make it sound casual, letting feelings and emotions slip out. “Damn… just one kidney, then I’ll have to go through the medical tomes again… or we’ll do it together, after all, it’s a subject that interests you in particular. I’d give you one of my kidneys, at least then I wouldn’t eat so much shit.” But translated, that meant: I’d give you the shirt off my back, my kidney, my heart. “It’s best to write down what you should and can eat. Murray can get almost anything, even if he complains about it and even if he sometimes brings the wrong thing on purpose. He always says he couldn’t get it, but hey… you can tell he does things sometimes just to tease. Still, kind of a damn cool guy.” Steve listened to Billy, let him speak when he apologized, and he felt that every single word was true, that Billy meant what he said and that it reached him, even if an apology after that night carried so little weight, because… in his head Billy was almost dead, so to speak. Yes, those were dramatic thoughts, but Steve couldn’t really anchor himself to hope right now. “We all freak out sometimes, and just because you’re Billy Hargrove doesn’t mean you have to hold back. You said what you needed to say in that moment… and sometimes you have to get it out, sometimes you have to shout your feelings. And stupid… well, we’re not perfect people with super brains. But even though I feel stupid almost all the time… I think we’re just human.” When Billy took his hand and ran it over the wounds on his knuckles, Steve didn’t flinch. It hurt like hell, breaking open again with every movement, but he’d learned not to show pain anymore. He nodded in agreement, he didn’t want an infection either, especially not in times like these, so he let Billy take care of it. “I’ll take ibuprofen to reduce inflammation, but we’d better save the antibiotics a bit longer and only use them in an emergency. They’re lifesaving and worth their weight in gold right now. I’m young… I guess my body can manage without help, at least I hope so.” To be honest, he hadn’t even thought about his nose, and he’d avoided mirrors for the last few hours anyway. He didn’t really care if it was broken and healed crooked, but Billy explained that a broken nose could be dangerous.. and that was exactly what needed to be avoided. “I won’t find a doctor here who’s loyal or trustworthy, so I trust you, even if something goes wrong. Steve Harrington can live with a crooked nose. Maybe that even makes me cooler? More daring? You know… might make my baby face a little more manly.” He tried to joke, dryly, very dryly. He wasn’t angry with Billy, nor disappointed or mad about what the other had said. Even what Hopper and Dustin had said, he’d come to terms with to some extent; he was used to it. He just felt incredibly empty, and that gave his voice a certain monotone edge, made his warm brown eyes seem cold and resigned. “What are the chances you could provide Max with medical care if we brought her here? Murray can get medical equipment.. definitely. There are hospitals on the other side that are empty right now… he’d have a clear path. We could always find someone to take care of Max… even if the world was burning. Tell me if you want me to stop talking about it, or if you think it’s just another stupid Steve idea… but I’d rather have Max close to us too, and that would take away some leverage.” He thought about it for another moment. “Or we could find another place for her in case the assholes get the idea to look here. It would be a dangerous, big project… but I think it could work if we plan it well. Vicky, an acquaintance of Robin’s.. ” He didn’t want to out her as a girlfriend just yet. “She works at this hospital. If we could convince her… then we’d actually have really big help.” Steve sat down on the kitchen counter, took a deep breath, and fell silent again. |
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| Billy listened to Steve's description of his dream, his forehead laid in folds. It sounded... strange, but given how stressed the guy had been this evening, it also wasn't surprising that his mind would go haywire and create such imaginations in his sleep. He remembered fondly how theatrical and overdramatic Eddie had acted, which put a brief grin on his face.
"Sounds like something Munson would do. I don't know shit about dream interpretation or whatever, but maybe it means something... Maybe you should stop trying to save everyone, but that's probably just gonna fall on deaf ears so I don't even know why I'm trying to talk you out of it..." The words were slightly accusatory, but Billy's voice was calm, laced with concern. He looked at him for a moment before shaking his head and simultaneously heaving a sigh. What Steve really meant got lost in translation, but... somehow, his heart seemed to pick up on it, because it filled with warmth and meaning. Billy only registered that it felt nice in his chest but didn't question it. "I don't need your kidney, Steve. The one I have left is healthy, and... many people only have one and don't even know it. I'm gonna be fine. I only have to adjust. We can, um... look through those tomes together, sure..." In fact, he would have loved that. But Billy stopped himself from saying it out loud. "Murray used to be an investigative journalist or something, right? Do you think he could... find people across the country, too? Not ones that are missing or whatever, but... just wondering." He made a mental note to write down what he needed for this stupid bland diet Kay had prescribed (which was actually doing him well because he couldn't take most foods yet). He listened to Steve's words of understanding and forgiveness, and he couldn't help but think that he didn't deserve this man's unconditional kindness. He couldn't bring himself to thank him for it, either, which wasn't helpful with these feelings at all. It would just be a mockery of how much trouble Steve was dealing with because of him. Instead, he nodded stiffly and swallowed a lump down his throat while he gently washed his wounds. "Shut up, you're not stupid." That was the only thing he could say, because Billy hated it when Steve talked about himself like that. He finally looked at him but this time, his gaze was stern and serious. "Just Ibuprofen should be fine for now, but the moment there's pus or anything weird going on with those knuckles, you will take those antibiotics, and I will not take no for an answer." He turned his attention back to Steve's knuckles and turned off the faucet, dabbing his bruised hands dry with some paper towels. Billy was still being very gentle and careful to avoid hurting him too much, even though his demeanor was tense and even a bit rough. He didn't want to be like this, but could barely help it with how nervous he was feeling. And, additionally, Steve's careless rambling about his injured nose ticked him off more than just a little bit. "You trust me? Alright then, Bambi. Here's a lesson on broken noses, so listen closely." Still holding his hands, Billy stared intensely into Steve's eyes. He didn't know where that nickname came from all of a sudden, but with how deep brown and sweet his eyes were, he thought it more than fitting, so he decided to stick with it. "There's bone and cartilage in your nose and the bone part is directly connected to your skull, dipshit. So a nasal fracture can easily turn into a skull fracture if you get hit in the wrong place, alright? It may not be bleeding anymore right now. But if you move the wrong way in your sleep, it could start bleeding again without you noticing and it's gonna clog your airways even more than they already are because of all the swelling. And on top of that, all that blood is gonna turn into a huge clot that can end up in your throat, and you could suffocate. Do you understand that? Okay, fine, your nose is not that bad and something like that doesn't happen that often, but... Jesus Christ, be fucking careful... A crooked nose can obstruct your breathing in the future, too, and I'm never gonna sleep in the same room as you if you start snoring like a fucking freight train. Not to mention the dozens of ladies who will refuse to sleep in the same bed as you, which I'm sure you don't want to happen. Your face is... fine, Steve," he added afterwards with a hint of frustration, emotion hanging off the edge of his lips. "Your face is fine... Don't try to change it to make it 'manlier' or some bullshit. I like your face the way it is. All of it." Those last words slipped out of him before he could stop himself. Billy took a deep breath and swallowed once more, looking away. Perhaps, it wasn't as awkward as it felt to him, but he desperately tried to look for a distraction from it. And thus, he let go of his hands to gather some gauze he knew was in one of the kitchen cabinets, and he found some bandages and iodine, too. Upon Harrington's idea, he shook his head softly. "I want her closer, too, but it's too risky... I can't just kidnap her out of the hospital and hope for the best. Kay's gonna know and give us all hell for it... And how the hell am I gonna explain this to Susan? I mean, it's not like she even gets her ass moving to visit her own daughter from what I know, but she'll be alerted by the hospital and... I don't know. I'll go see Max every day, see if she's okay and if there's any progress... It's not a stupid idea, Steve. I wish we could do that. But I don't think it's safe, and if anything happens to her and there's no doctor around, it could kill her... Sure, she's stable and breathing on her own, but she's in the ICU for a reason. I... I can't do that." Billy approached Steve on the counter with hesitation in the shadow of his movements. He stood directly in front of it, glancing up at him while he took his hands once more, pressing some gauze on his knuckles to help stop the bleeding. "We will think of what to do at some point, but... not now... Not tonight."
"Hey, um... What you said earlier..." Billy murmured after a moment of uncomfortable silence and bit down on his lower lip firmly. He couldn't look at him, but at least his task of caring for Steve's hands gave him a solid excuse for that. "The part where you'll kill me if I... if the same shit happens to me again..." He paused. Speech felt so hard again, just like it had when he had woken up five weeks ago. "Did you mean it?" His heart started racing. Billy tried his utmost to hide how much his lungs were forcing him to breathe faster, so he tensed up again, feeling a void opening up inside his chest. |
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| “You know, Billy… advice is helpful… but you yourself are someone who has chosen to bleed for others… and you are now also someone who would do anything to save others and sacrifice yourself. That’s why I have to admit, it’s difficult to take this advice from you…”
He muttered to himself. He didn’t want to sound accusatory; his voice remained quite monotone, but Steve knew now that Billy would return to Kay, not so much for himself, but more to protect others and perhaps to prevent himself from becoming a danger to them. He had to accept that and come to terms with it. It would take time… but he understood. “We can look at everything together. I want to help, yes… but I don’t want to seem like a fucking guardian or anything. Although that’s probably kind of… my thing. The mother hen… the babysitter. But I don’t want you to feel… mothered by me. I guess I need to learn that, somehow…” It was still awkward between the two men, probably because both were exhausted, mentally and physically, from the previous night. A kind of resignation set in for Steve, which was perhaps even more painful than worry or fear of loss. “Of course Murray can do that… if not him, then who? But he needs good reasons, and you have to be damn nice to him. Those are his little games. I’d even say he can really figure anything out, and I don’t think we all know exactly what he’s capable of. Without him… we’d be fucking lost.” He explained it calmly, choosing not to ask why Billy wanted to know exactly that. If he wanted to explain himself, he would. In these moments of togetherness, Steve no longer flinched when Billy spoke a little more harshly. He tried to ignore it, mostly. He just needed something to hold on to, something to anchor him to this world. The last time, it had been Billy, a man who made him feel like he could finally breathe again, who sparked hope he thought he had lost. But now Steve tried to put a bit of distance between them, at least in his own head. Even if it felt dramatic, he was afraid of attaching himself to someone who could very realistically be the next to die. And with Billy Hargrove, that wasn’t unrealistic at all. The army and Vecna were both after him, just like Eleven and Will. “Don’t worry… I’ll take antibiotics when I realize it’s necessary. I don’t need orders for that.” The nickname made him frown briefly. Bambi? Oof. Who wanted to be compared to a little fawn? But he didn’t comment, letting Billy explain why ignoring a broken nose was dangerous. “Okay… okay… I get it… all right. You shouldn’t ignore a broken nose. Fine. But leave women out of it.. not even me… King Steve talks about them anymore. I’ve dropped that. That phase is over… and I snore without broken noses.” That stung more than he expected. Probably because Steve was in the middle of a conflict with himself, that men, or one man in particular, meant more to him than all the women in the world, and that he had finally admitted, at least to himself, that he liked men too. Or… one man, at least. He didn’t make a big deal out of it, but he had to let it out. Billy still carried an intense presence, even now, even broken, even weakened. The alpha was still there. Steve wasn’t impressed by it, but he knew it came from a place of meaning well. The small compliment Billy let slip didn’t land; Steve couldn’t accept it right now. So he shifted the topic, clinging to one of his ideas. His knuckles burned, but he didn’t fight the pain. He almost welcomed it... it kept him grounded. “You know, Billy… you’re right. It’s too dangerous to get Max out of there. Max is your sister. I know she means everything to you, and I know you want to show her that someday. But she means something to me too. I’ve grown attached to her… she’s like a little sister to me as well, and even if I might not have the right, I want to help her too. That’s why my thoughts keep spinning. We shouldn’t rule this plan out completely.. but yes, we need time. A lot of time, everything has to be right. I’ll work out plans… like Dustin always does. Plans from A to Z, whether we ever use them or not. I have to grab every blade of grass. I can’t be idle… I need something to do, you know? Yesterday’s plan wasn’t fully thought through.. I admit that. I acted on impulse. It worked… thankfully, everyone is still alive.. but the dream showed me that I need to be more careful.” When Billy stood in front of him, those damn blue eyes fixed on him, Steve visibly tensed. Those eyes, framed by long lashes, wrecked him every single time. He had never felt anything like this.. never this intense, not even with Nancy. It was… overwhelming. And then there was his promise. The promise to kill Billy if the Mind Flayer took him again. He swallowed and lowered his gaze. “Yes and no. I know you’re afraid you’ll end up there again… that it makes you want to run. Far away from all of us. You don’t want to hurt anyone, and I think you feel it yourself, that there’s still something inside you. I actually wanted to encourage you. I wanted to take the burden off you, the idea that I’d just let you rage if it came to that. I won’t kill you if there are still infinite possibilities to save you. I would never give up on you just because something happened. But I did want to promise you that I would kill you if it’s clear that you, Billy Hargrove, are gone, and some Upside Down fucker is using your body to slaughter the people you cared about. Do you understand that? I want you to know I’ll be there for you… even when it gets ugly. I won’t let your fear become reality. You mean the fuck to me, you fucking asshole. And if you still don’t get that… then go fuck yourself. If you think I’d end your existence at the first twitch because you’re not worth saving.. go fuck yourself for that too. Did that get through?” He jumped down from the counter, shaking his head slightly. “Why… can’t you understand that I care about you? What am I doing wrong? What do you need? Me telling you to your face that I love you? And then what... would you believe it? Or would you brush it off as a crush? Would you think I’m just some perverted guy who thinks it’s convenient to have someone around who’s willing? Whatever you think… I can’t prove it, and I don’t really want to. Feelings are just there. You either feel them or you don’t. That’s not in my control. But you need to know this, no matter what I feel, you don’t owe me anything. You don’t have to reciprocate. Maybe you even think it’s ridiculous that I can feel something like this now, that it’s even possible. And honestly… you’d be right. It feels so unimportant. Love… pfft. The world is ending. People are dying. What does love matter in all that?” He swallowed hard. “And even there… I can’t help it. I’d like to stay away from you right now… but I don’t think I can.” He finished speaking and just stood there, completely lost, with no idea what to do next. It was too much. |
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| Billy glanced at him threateningly, then rolled his eyes — more so at himself than at Steve — and looked down at their hands again while mumbling: "Touché." He was not in the mood to discuss this crap further because it didn't seem like they were going to find common ground with this topic. Billy hated that Steve risked his life for others, and Steve hated that Billy was doing the same. He couldn't blame him for pulling the same bullshit, but... it just felt so wrong that Steve put him on the same pedestal as all of the other people he cared about. He wasn't Dustin. Or El. Or even Max. As far as he was concerned, Billy could never be like her. And here he was trying to compensate for his intense feelings of cruel worthlessness, and Steve wouldn't let him prove how little he was worth.
That's what he would blame him for if it wasn't downright impossible to be mad at him for too long. A part of him still wanted to smack him in the back of the head for getting himself hurt for him, but he couldn't stomach the thought. "I don't really know what it's like to be mothered, so... I guess there's not much you can do wrong with me there," Billy murmured quietly. When he talked about Murray, Billy was intrigued at first, but let the subject go without a word as quickly as he had brought it up. He had nothing to offer to Murray. No money, no interesting story behind his request, nothing anyone could gain from it. Not even Billy. Maybe. And even if Murray would give him clues, or even a phone number... He was too much of a fucking coward to pick up the landline. It wasn't going to change anything, was it? Billy decided to let it go with a deep sigh, forget about it, and move on already. "I wasn't ordering you, I'm just... You know what, forget it. Just forget it..." Billy hated himself the second those words slipped out in that snappy tone. Maybe he was ordering him, but that was because he was fucking worried and he didn't know how else to stop Steve from hurting himself more than he already was. But right now, it only felt like everything he could possibly say was wrong. Billy wanted to throw all the medical supplies he had gotten into the trash and leave, but he couldn't. He wanted to finish what he'd started, and he wanted to remain near him, even if it was eating him up from the inside right now. Perhaps, Steve was going to do or say anything that could make it all better. Something that threw all their arguments out the window for good, something that made him feel secure and less chaotic, less emotional, less... everything. Because even if it hurt, Steve's presence alone made it all feel worthwhile somehow. He wanted to care for him, look after him, make sure he was okay. And he knew how to look after wounds, but... emotionally, Billy didn't know shit about what to do for him, especially when he was being so distant. He'd hoped that caring for his injuries could be enough to make him feel better, but that didn't seem to be the case. He stared at him for a second when he heard his next words and thought, damn... if Steve stopped caring about the ladies, he was really not doing well at all. Billy gulped and nodded eventually, looking away quickly, while a quiet "okay" slipped out of his mouth. A part of him liked hearing that, but... it felt so selfish that he promptly shut it down, along with the rest of his emotions. At least that's what he was trying to do. "We... will think of something together, I'm sure... I'd like to say that any decisions regarding my sister will go through me first, but honestly, I... I can't even make decisions for myself right now, so... I should probably slow it down a notch. Kay is pushing me into a dead end... I don't know what to do, Steve." The more he tried to push away his feelings, the more tense he became. The distance Steve was keeping up made him feel like he was trapped in a pool with its cover on. Like he was fighting and fighting but no matter what he did, the weight of his existence continued pushing him down and taking away his air to breathe. Steve's words were beautiful... The promise that he would not give up on him, that he'd be there for him, that he would protect the others from him... but then, he insulted him, told him to fuck himself. In his head, Billy knew that it wasn't serious, that he didn't really think he was an asshole, that he wasn't actually telling him to fuck off because he was sick and tired of his presence. He knew that he was acting the same way himself because he was worried about him. But everything he heard was accusatory, everything was a constant, unpredictable switch between tones and emotions and his brain told him to watch his tongue, his attitude, or else he would deal with a lovely little beating. It had been way too long since Billy got one of those, right? His breathing elevated again while he desperately tried to keep himself at bay. He hated every second of this. The pressure, the pain, the helplessness. He hated himself and a part of him even started to hate Steve for this, for which he hated himself even more. So he just stood there, staring at him with the bandages in his hand that he'd gotten ready. In the end, his nose flared, he bared his teeth, and he slammed the bandages down on the counter next to Steve. "Alright amigo," he threatened, raising his voice. "There's no need to be a jerk about it and insult me, I was just fucking asking!" He couldn't respond to all the good things Steve had said. His brain blocked it all out and gave him hell for it instead. A guttural sigh of surprise and desperation escaped him and he quickly turned around towards the sink. He filled his glass back up with shaking hands, spilling some of the water before he downed it all in one go. Billy didn't know what else the hell to do. Soon enough, he couldn't even see anymore. His eyes welled up with tears he couldn't control. That was the nail in the coffin, wasn't it? Whatever he said made it all worse. Whatever he did just fucked it all up. Why was he being such a god damn fool? Such a fucking good-for-nothing asshole? Why was he so self-centered? Why was he such a useless mess? Billy was sure that whatever Steve was going to say next would make him cry like a god damn baby, but it turned out to be so much different. He turned around to face him again, his face ridden with confusion and turmoil as his eyelids trembled with emotion. Was he hearing him right? Or was he just too dumb to understand the meaning of this? Everything Steve was saying sounded like a silent love confession. Like he tried to make it hypothetical, like he rambled like he used to do when he was helpless. But it still sounded so real, so gutwrenching, and Billy felt his heart sink deeply, but it sank into a pleasurable pressure that his soul was begging to have more of. He stared at him with his mouth agape, desperately trying to get a word out. "Steve, I..." Speechless. Utterly, completely speechless. And when Steve said that he wanted to stay away from him right now but couldn't... Billy melted while his entire body was still shaking. He clawed his nails into the counter of the sink until it hurt and tears flowed down his cheeks before he could stop them. "Then don't stay away..." he whispered, begging, his breath painfully hitching. "Don't stay away from me. Please. I couldn't take it if you did. Stay with me. H—Have me... Don't punish me like that. I know I do everything wrong, I don't need your punishment, I... I need you to... I need... you. I need you."
Billy's face scrunched up when reality set in, when his wishful thinking was too painful to handle. More tears came running down and he faced the floor, his whole body sweating from the tension of trying to hold them back. His deep voice cracked horribly when he spoke. "Maybe I should stay away from you... Because you will keep hurting yourself for me, and you'll keep saying it's fine because it's for me... but it's... it's gonna be too much one day... It's gonna be too much for you to take and you'll wonder if it was all worth it in the end because you'll be so fucking broken... that you cannot stand yourself anymore when you're with me. That's how it goes, that's how it always goes... I've heard that song before and I'm fucking tired of it. I don't ever want to hear it again. You've hated me already, you can easily hate me again, and I can help with that, no problem... And you... Y—You pulled me out of such a deep hole, Steve... You can easily push me back in and I can feel it happening already so I should... I should... I—I should just leave you alone and fuck off and... I should... stay away... from you... but fuck... I... can't... I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, Steve, I can't..." Billy covered his eyes, letting go of all fragments of control he had left, and cried. With every repetition of how he can't stay away from him, he beat his fist weakly against the counter behind him. And with how pathetic he was, there was no need to try and convince everyone how strong and unbothered he was, right? "I'm... I'm sorry..." |
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| No, Steve felt that Billy was very valuable. For him, for Max and also for the others, even if it would take time for everyone else to see it that way too, he was aware of that. Of course Steve had strong feelings... of course he saw sides to Billy that others didn't see and perhaps could never recognize, but none of that changed the fact that Hargrove had great value for him... and was by no means worthless. In that respect, he had no chance of convincing Steve... no matter how hard he tried.
Steve was slowly getting used to the other guy's mind games, but sometimes it was hard not to feel seriously offended as well. He had to go deep inside himself at times like this, try to remember other moments with Billy, try to remember conversations they'd had together, but that was hard when you were in a pretty unstable mental state yourself. But one thing he knew was that he would put up with a lot, accept a lot because he knew how difficult it all was for Billy and that it was simply not possible to change completely in a very short space of time. But he wouldn't put up with everything... and he wouldn't always break in to plead with this man, walk on eggshells and hold back for fear he might go crazy, break down or run away. “Deal with it Billy, or at least learn to deal with it.” He suddenly said rather sternly. "You also often use language that is difficult to understand. You set conditions, you tell me to my face what you don't like... you tell me that you'll make sure this or that happens if I don't do this or that. I'm aware that you do it out of concern... but I'm also allowed to overreact, I'm also allowed to misunderstand things... I'm also allowed to talk to you like you're a complete idiot... it happens, not just to you... it happens to me too." It was so hard to stay rational and not let the typical Steve hang out, nor to freak out or ignore everything and force Billy into a hug. But the guy was giving him a kind of proverbial whiplash. "We include all ideas... all ideas, all plans related to Max. Yours take priority because you're deep inside it and you see what's going on inside this mess. And if you don't know what to do, then we're there for you... or... I'm there to make your decisions easier and take them off your hands. And we all don't know what to do... none of us, even if one or two of us might seem to. Hopper... Dustin, they both always seem to have the right ideas, but Hopper's main concern is Eleven, which I can understand, because he's lost a child before and Dustin's going through a very intense period of grief that's messing with his smart head." He watched Billy quietly and calmly... at first at least, then he too got a little louder and even more irrational because he just wanted to explain to this damn guy how he thought, felt... and yes... he referred to him as this and that... but not to insult him, but because he felt he couldn't reach him. "See? Now I'm the idiot again... right, because you're filtering out what's important. Sometimes I think you just want to take in the negative things. Hey, I understand... I also have my problems when someone says something nice about me or wants to help... I don't know it, I have to learn it too." The rollercoaster of emotions continued, up and down, Steve was probably living through all versions of himself, every character trait of his wanted to be active, to take the reins... to say something. Desperation, rationality, calm, honesty, resignation... anger... love, worry, strength, weakness and then everything all over again. Seeing Billy like this tore his heart apart and it happened on so many levels. He saw how desperate the other was, how he struggled with himself, how he wanted so much and exactly what he wanted but at the same time wanted to push it away again because he didn't think he deserved it or that he was putting everyone in danger. It hurt, but what also hurt was Steve realizing that he had fallen in love again with someone who wasn't a constant at the moment, who could leave him at any time... who would always push him away for all those damn reasons. And yet Steve only wanted one thing... just to be loved, and he cursed himself for the latter again and again anyway, what else did love mean in this world? "That's a nice prospect for the future, Billy. That's exactly what I wanted to hear." He replied dryly at first. "But I have to change your version a little, everything that's supposed to happen to me when I'm with you has already happened and not because of you. And if it goes on like this... and turns out the way you describe it, that's my decision and if we survive it all, I'll realize at some point that either it wasn't the right moment or that I just believed in some feelings again that no one can return. It will break me... yes. But I will get through it. And I'm sure I'll also remember the times when we were cool and had fun, when we could be who we wanted to be. Damn... I'm not a kid anymore Billy. And I can fight back." He lowered his eyes. "Maybe you should figure out what you really want. I know it for myself.. but do me a favor and tell me. Because what's really bothering me is this back and forth... you don't have to change or solve everything, but at least in terms of the two of us... just the two of us, just between us, not in front of others... in that case, you should start knowing how you want it, what you want... and how you want it to go." He had the urge to run away again, to hide, maybe even to slam a door or hit trees again. But he stayed in this situation, he didn't force himself to flee. |
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| Steve was right with everything he said. All of it. Billy knew he used that kind of language, too, that he tended to be rough with his words when he cared so much about that guy that it frustrated him. And he knew that it was okay that way, that they understood each other blindly, even without words sometimes. He honestly didn't know why it suddenly made him lash out, but... with how restless and out of control he was feeling, it was no surprise that he lashed out before he could even think it through.
The truth was that he loved it when they could talk to each other like that. Billy was the type of guy who would rather order you to be fucking careful and call you a dumbass for getting hurt instead of saying directly that he didn't want you to be in any pain. It was probably the only love language he knew how to speak fluently, but it also required the opponent to understand the vocabulary and respond in the same dialect. Billy knew Steve did. He had shown it time and time again. But for a split second, Billy had forgotten how to speak it. How to listen to it closely. And it knocked him over so hard that his emotions ran wild, and his inner child took control over his body. While he tried to make that inner kid shut up and find himself again, Billy listened, trying to let his words soothe him. He wasn't sure about the words yet, but Steve's voice alone helped him feel a little more grounded again. He agreed with everything regarding Max and where to go from here, that they could figure something out eventually even if it was hard. This was the first, real test of loyalty, perseverance, and trust. And Billy knew that he wanted to pass that test with flying colors, if not for himself, then for Steve. Even if it was hard. Even if he was breaking under the pressure. "You're... not the idiot, and you're not a jerk either, I was just... being an asshole as usual. I'm sorry. You're right. You're right..." he murmured so quietly that he wondered if Steve even heard him. Billy then watched him carefully, frowning deeply at how exhausted and distraught he looked, wanting nothing more than to say the right thing and make it all okay. He wanted to take the pain away from him, scoop it right out of his chest, but he wasn't sure how. It ached in his heart, watching him like that. His head was running so many miles a minute that he could barely finish a thought that didn't involve around how much of an asshole he was for acting this way towards him: His only friend. His best friend. His... savior. He murmured "I'm sorry" here and there while Steve spoke, again so quiet that he probably couldn't hear him. And when he talked about 'feelings that no one could return', Billy just... couldn't take that. Why could Harrington not see how awesome, brave, resourceful and downright beautiful he was as a person? That if Billy was asked to think of anyone who was lovable, Steve would be the first one on his mind? He frowned and shook his head, the tears still closing up his throat and forbidding him from talking. But he told himself that it was okay, because Steve was still speaking, still filling his ears with the sound of his voice, and even though his resignated and simultaneously sad tone got to him, Billy felt how it calmed him down and tamed his tears. Steve was not a child anymore. That was true. He knew how to take care of himself and how to fight back, even if Billy felt like he was needlessly endangering his safety at times. Billy could be the same way. But Steve was also old enough to make those decisions, and he didn't deserve to be treated like an idiot just because Billy couldn't deal with the idea of losing him. Or because he wasn't good at showing that he cared. And then, through all the mess, the risks, and the warmth of being truly seen but never being discarded by him, Billy decided then and there that he would support Steve's actions and decisions all the way to the end, even if he thought they were stupid or too risky. And if he got hurt due to one of these, he would look after those wounds regardless. If he cried for something he'd warned him about, he would wipe those tears anyway. Billy's tight grasp on the counter behind him loosened softly, his whole body slowly relaxing. He heard Steve's request and looked at him, letting his pretty words flood through his lightheaded mind. But at least in terms of the two of us... just the two of us, just between us, not in front of others...
He breathed in deeply, shakily, swallowing a lump down his throat but feeling infinitely lighter. Wasn't Billy the one who had given him a whole speech about finding out what he really wanted like he knew what he was talking about? And now, Steve was the one giving him the same advice in direct relation to what he needed from him. Clarity. Stability. Answers. No one had ever asked him what he really wanted. He was sure Steve had asked him that before in some way, but never so clearly, not when so much was at stake. It was liberating. Freeing, to finally have a chance to put it into words. To have someone ask at all. It had never mattered to Neil and it was never going to matter to Kay. But it mattered to Steve. Billy breathed, and gazed at him fully again. The tears finally stopped and his shoulders sacked in exhaustion, but relaxation. "I want my sister safe," he finally croaked. "And El. Even Dustin, the little shit. And I want you safe..." He paused and swallowed again. "I want to kick Kay's ass. I want peace, I... want to live. I don't want to be a threat again. I want to be free of whatever it is that Kay wants from me. I want to be able to forget what happened to me and I can only seem to do that when I'm... with you." He paused once more. Screw Kay. Screw Vecna, or Henry, or whatever his god damn name was. Billy was terrified of them all but here, he was free. He knew he was. He nodded and remembered Steve's words, wanting nothing more than to give him what he needed. Clarity. Stability. Answers. But at least in terms of the two of us... "I want to stop being such an asshole. I want to stay up late at night and watch shitty TV with you until we fall asleep. I want to read those tomes with you even though I suck at reading and I've never suffered through an entire book in my life," he began, a small smile crossing his lips. Just the two of us, just between us... not in front of others... "I want... to swim in the pool with you and yell at you for jumping in from the edge because it's really unsafe and you could slip and hit your head. I want you to roll your eyes at me about it and do it anyway. I want to play basketball with you again, without so much pointless competition this time, and afterwards, I... I want to remind myself what all those showers with you were like, but without any classmates to share you with... because... Steve Harrington, I... I want you. All of you. And I want you all to myself 'cause I'm... really fucking selfish when I want something. And there's even more that I want than all of the above." Eyes hooded, Billy lingered his gaze on him for a moment, feeling hot and cold and like someone was pulling away the ground underneath him. But it felt so good. Like he was doing the right thing for once in his god forsaken, unwanted life. "Can you... Can you come closer to me, please?" To say that he was surprised about Steve actually coming closer then... would be the biggest lie he'd ever told himself. It was like he felt the energy shifting within his own body. It was almost bizarre... He no longer had a single drop of donated blood in his body anymore after his bone marrow reproduced his own, but now that he knew about it, it was like he could feel Steve's blood in his veins. No, not just his blood, but him, too. After all the shouting and yelling, it was like he was closer than ever before. And still, Billy grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled him even nearer, getting instantly drunk from his warmth. He looked into those unbelievably beautiful eyes of his, his thumb brushing over his soft cheek. "All that is... fine for me," he whispered softly, leaning in to rest their foreheads together. His breath hitched when the butterflies were trying to suffocate him right then and there, and Billy's blue eyes closed when he remembered the words once more. You should start knowing how you want it, what you want... "And I can hold myself back for a bit 'cause... once you're ready, Steve... I want you to kiss me." Billy held his breath, the pain of his confession tightening his chest pleasurably. He smiled faintly again, melting into him, sighing against his lips. ... and how you want it to go... "Once you're ready, kiss me like there's no hypotheticals... or consequences... Kiss me like you mean what you just said to me... And I promise you that I'll believe you if you tell me that you love me. I promise you that I won't brush it off as a crush like I normally would..." He leaned back only an inch, enough to catch a glimpse into his eyes again. Love was bleeding into the way he gazed at them, soft and true and never-ending. They were so close that their crossing breaths could count as a kiss alone. "But first, before all of that, I want— I need you to let me bandage your hands and look after your nose... Will you let me do that for you, please...? It would really help me finally understand that you care about me, like you said, and that... you can actually forgive me for all the wrong things I've said and done. Because with how chaotic I feel right now, I... I find it really hard to get the fucking hint, and... I want you to know that your pain matters, too. It matters to me." He let go of his shirt and gently grabbed his hands, looking down at them while he caressed his wrists, mindful to not touch the wounds. "Please...?" he whispered. It was so quiet that it got lost on his breath. |
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| Maybe it was good that they argued... that they had to have all those terrible conversations with each other. That they were forced to share rooms, even though each of them just wanted to escape. Well... Steve didn't want to escape directly, but he wanted to protect his heart, he wanted to put his facade back up... to somehow escape it. He didn't want to allow any more feelings... just focus on the chaos, but all his attempts to change things failed, and all he had to do was look into the other man's beautiful, big blue eyes, filled with shock and grief.
“Man... I can't hear it anymore, Billy. Idiot here... asshole there... constantly apologizing, we're going around in circles.” He finally replied, desperately but honestly. "It is what it is... we're all going crazy, we've all been through shit... we have people we love who are constantly in danger. So sometimes you're a jerk to me... and sometimes I'm a jerk to you... as if we could control that in those moments. You can't... I can't either... but I don't know how to solve it either... I think... you don't always need a damn solution for everything! I don't have the strength to find an answer or explanation for everything, I'm at the end of my rope too. You've been through a lot, so have I... we'll probably keep clashing... but that doesn't make us bad people, does it?" He could see and feel something suddenly release in Billy, a knot... something the blond had previously tried to hide behind his tough exterior, and he let him speak without interrupting him. He listened to every wish the other had without judging him... and he could understand and relate to every damn word, identifying with them as if they were his own words. “I want the same thing. For you... for the others and also for me. I want everyone to be safe, I want you to be able to kick Kay's ass... I want you to be able to forget what happened to you. I want to help you with that.” Steve didn't hesitate when Billy asked him to come closer, not for a damn second, even though he had decided not to do what the other wanted. But... it felt right, honestly... not as hypocritical as his thoughts of staying away from Billy. "If I ever tell you that I love you... then I mean it. When I kiss you and touch you... it's real. I'm a fucking romantic. I used to want a monogamous family with six children... everything that goes with it, a true partner for life. I don't want a simple infatuation anymore... I'm grown up enough to know that I don't want to play games anymore, that I don't want to fight my way through different beds just to finally be able to feel something again. I don't expect that from you... I don't want to tie you down... but I will believe you... if you... ever consider it. And then... I will belong to you. Sorry... that sounds corny, but you'll just have to live with it. That's me... that's the real Steve Harrington, and so far, only you know him." He nodded twice, lowered his gaze, then took Billy's hand and pulled him into the living room. He didn't resist the closeness or the measures that now had to be taken. He let Billy take care of him... but one thing was now clear. From now on, they would fight together for what Billy wanted... and what Steve wanted, and... apparently, in many ways, they wanted the same thing. |
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| Billy let out a breath and listened, nodding over and over again because of how right he was and because of how well he understood Steve's dilemma. He didn't know how to solve it, either. All he knew to do was apologize when he lashes out without thinking because he didn't know what else to do, and he didn't know how to do it well, either. Apologizing felt like a confession of weakness and vulnerability, and he hated those things more than anything. That's why he usually never cared about saying sorry to anyone. All it would do is open a gate, crack his armor, and allow a knife to stab his chest when the apology wouldn't be accepted. So the only logical solution was to never apologize or feel sorry at all, right?
"I get it, I do... It's just... I hurt when I hurt you. And no one's ever said sorry to me. Not my mom for leaving me, not my dad for being the absolute prick that he is. And it's fine because they don't care and I'm not that important to them 'cause I wasn't planned, I was a disturbance to their lives... But I care, Steve," he said softly, whispering those last words as he locked eyes with him. "I care. And you're important. And that's why I say sorry to you when I fuck up. If you don't need me to do it, that's fine. You don't have to say sorry, either. You don't have to carry the weight of my... my guilt, or whatever," Billy added with a mockering expression for a moment. "But... I need to say it. So let me say it, even if it annoys the shit out of you. And maybe we can be jerks to each other without fear sometimes. I'd like that..." Billy listened with a very tired, but very sincere and somewhat warm smile at him. "I... want the same for you, too." When Steve finally came closer and they rested their foreheads together, Billy couldn't have felt more content, more safe. Hearing him say all those beautiful words made it damn near impossible not to kiss him right in this moment, but what made it feel even better was how much control he had over this strong urge. He'd thought he would lose himself around Steve and hurt him, even kill him, and of course, there was still a lot of fear in him about that possibility. But while they stood together like this — very close together, breathing together, being together without really being together — Billy felt like he would never lose control again. Not with Steve. Not when he was near him. All he wanted was for him to be okay, to be happy and comfortable, much more so than he wanted him all to himself. It stung because he'd never felt like that about something he wanted before. There was usually no negotiating about his selfish desires but now, they were not so egotistical anymore. But when it would be time for them, oh... Billy was going to be very selfish... but he was going to be selfish in a way that would make Steve addicted to it. He smiled a breathy smile at his words again, his cheeks flushing red before he realized. Billy loved just smelling him. It was like a spell that convinced him that everything was going to be fine one way or another. And all those wishes that Steve rattled through sent a pleasant shiver down his spine, because Billy wanted all the same things. Once more, Billy's lips felt thirsty for Steve's, the magnetism betweem them drawing his mouth closer, and he swore he could taste him already. Still, he held back, enjoying the deep sense of almost harrowing gravity that came with it. Everything they said was hypothetical and yet, Steve's promises sounded like a prayer and Billy was more than ready to convert to the faith, the religion of him. The feelings were there, laid bare, but both of them knew they needed time until they were ready. And until then... they would be there for each other and commit to their prayers as best as they could. At least, Billy knew that that's what he was going to do from now on. "That all sounds... like a marvelous deal to me," he murmured, his smile never fading. "I don't mind corny... And I like him, the real Steve. I like him a lot. He saved me." He let Steve take him along with him to the living room, making sure to grab the medical supplies with his free hand on the way. Without much of a word at all, they sat down on the couch, and Billy never looked away from him. After a moment of warm silence, he leaned back to turn on a little table light before getting to work on the bandages on Steve's hands. His touch was very gentle, even though his hands were shaking a little bit. Billy made sure to not make them too tight and instead keep them light. Sometimes, he could be slightly rough when he looked after someone's wounds because he had a job to do, but this time, he was slow, very concentrated, and gingerly with every of his movements. He would normally talk in the meantime, too. Now, he was quiet. There was no awkward silence to break at all. When he was done, he smirked a little bit. "Looking a bit like a boxer now..." he jested softly in a whisper. "Keep it on until you shower next time... Make sure to put some warm water over the knuckles before you take it off, so the gauze doesn't stick to the wounds and rip it all open again, okay?" Billy looked up at him after taping the bandages secure, glancing at his nose and the bruises around it. "I'm gonna have to touch your face and your nose, but I'll be very careful, I promise," he said, still whispering. He didn't know why he did. Maybe it kept him calm, or... maybe it preserved this feeling of peace between them right now. Billy rarely felt truly calm, so he wanted to cherish it even more. He scooted closer, sinking into Steve's eyes while he gently placed his fingers on his cheeks. He felt the bones of his eye sockets first, then his forehead and the areas where his sinuses were. "All good up there... Now, when I touch your nose, it's gonna hurt like hell, I'm sorry... I wanna see if anything's broken." Gently — very, very gently — Billy placed the tips of his index fingers on either side of the bridge of Steve's bruised and swollen nose, pressing very carefully here and there to see if anything grinds or moves. He made a face at how much this had to hurt, but he paid close attention to Steve's expressions, ready to stop whenever it would become too much. "I think it's okay... But I wanna check again when the swelling's gone down tomorrow... Is that alright?" |
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| "I'm used to it, Billy... you understand? I'm used to... everything that's happening right now. You're no exception in the way you behave... but it's still different, because I feel that I'm... well, important to you. I didn't feel that with others before. And I don't hold it against you... really, I don't. Maybe I did at first, but that's because of me... not you. I don't have much self-confidence, I constantly beat myself up, feel worthless... useless, like an idiot and so on. I mean... you must have noticed that already, and it's hard for me... very, very hard to accept or understand that there is someone who doesn't think that way about me, but who actually appreciates me. I still need time in that regard... it will take time, Billy, just as it will take time for you. We can only try to help each other... help each other trust and learn how to deal with each other. And believe me... we are forced to learn it faster than under normal circumstances."
He shook his head. “It's not annoying... not in the sense that it bothers me... that I might give you the impression that you have something to make up for with me or something... but anyway, I think we've cleared up a few things for now.” At that moment, Steve also realized that he had to work on himself, that many things from the past were still gnawing at him and consuming him. Things that had taken root in him before all the chaos. He felt that he wanted Billy as a friend... as a steady boyfriend, but he was also a little afraid of that, because what if it turned out like it did with Nancy? If he lost his heart and then... no, no, he had said it himself, then so be it... then he would just have to live with it, end of story! He would get through it... yes, exactly! “I didn't save you, Hargrove, I just helped you save yourself.” He replied with a smile, the corners of his mouth twitching slightly as he lowered his gaze. Once in the living room, he stopped resisting... he let Billy work, relying on his expertise. “Like a boxer, eh? Do you find that... hot or something?” He joked quietly, even chuckling briefly. He memorized everything Billy said and by now he already regretted slamming his hands against that damn tree. He needed them and he hoped these wounds wouldn't cause chaos... that would be damn stupid. He couldn't do much about his nose, but he let Billy examine it anyway. “Go ahead... do what you have to do!” He was right, it hurt like hell, but Steve didn't even flinch, he didn't even grimace, he was far too used to all this pain. A single tear ran down his cheek, not because of the pain, but because his tear duct simply reacted to what was happening to his nose, a completely natural process. "Sure, my nose is yours now or something. I trust your knowledge completely.” After his wounds had been treated, he remained seated for a moment, waited until Billy had put the medical supplies aside, and then looked deep into his eyes. He took his hand in his and stroked the back of it gently, lovingly. ”Thank you...“ he whispered. ”For everything...because I'm learning from you too... I'm improving too. You're saving me too... and I'm not just saying that. Hey... hm... how about we watch Dirty Dancing, since we're already being cheesy?” He finally said with a smile, raising his eyebrows. ”Patrick reminds me of you anyway... or rather, Johnny." |
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| Billy looked at him while he listened, softly nodding to everything he said, all in understanding, in empathy for the way he felt, and as confirmation that yes, Steve was important to him.
"Yeah, yeah, you're right, I get that..." he murmured, then shook his head. "I make up for things in my own way, but that's not because you give me the impression that I have to. You think I do what people think I should do...?" he asked rhetorically, not expecting an answer. Billy gave him a faint grin at that part, although it didn't last. It wasn't completely true and he knew it, at least in regards to anything Steve was thinking. If he thinks he should kiss him right then and there, Billy could never say no to that. He shook his head once more and smiled sheepishly at what he said. "No, I mean it. Please take that before I have to beat it into your head..." 
In the living room, sitting across from him on the couch with Steve's gentle hand in his, Billy chuckled softly when his patient joked around a little bit. "As a matter of fact, I kinda do think it's hot..." His smile lasted for a moment longer before he had to concentrate again, doing his best not to hurt him too much. Afterwards, he brushed his thumb over his cheek where the tear was running down, and again, Billy didn't know why he did it, Steve wasn't even crying for real and probably just reacting to the pain; But it was so automatic and it happened before he could think about it. Once more, he smiled softly at his words. Steve's nose being "his" was a good start, right? Although what tugged at his heart even more was how much trust Steve was expressing towards him when it came to his own body, even if he was in so much pain. "Good... You're taking it like a champ, by the way. You didn't even flinch, but... you know you don't have to do that around me, right? Swallowing that pain, forcing yourself not to whine about it? Because you can. A beat in face hurts like hell... You don't gotta force yourself to be strong for me."
He had just put his leftover medical supplies on the coffee table in front of the couch when their eyes locked intensely again. Billy breathed, not too sure what to say or do for a moment, when Steve suddenly grabbed his hand and started caressing it. Billy stared down at it, shivering at the sensation, the gentleness, how light and heavy it made him feel at the same time. When he looked back into Steve's Bambi eyes, he felt an intense warmth embracing his entire heart and he had to hold his breath for a second. His thankful expressions softened his gaze and put another warm smile on his face. Slowly, Billy placed his other hand on top of Steve's, feeling how his cold hands warmed up again. "I'm glad... Good to know I'm useful for something." Upon his request to watch a movie, and that movie on top of that, Billy furrowed his brows at first but then grinned at him. "For real? I mean... it's late and we're both really wrecked, so I thought we should get back to sleep soon..." But somehow, he didn't want to go back to bed, even though he was tired beyond belief, because it was then that he got it. Hadn't he told Steve mere minutes ago that he wanted to watch shitty TV with him until they would fall asleep? And so, Billy grinned softly again. He just couldn't say no to him. Dirty Dancing had just come out this year and he hadn't watched it yet, but apparently it was all the rage, even though it was nothing like the movies he usually liked. Then again, he probably couldn't stomach any action movies right now. Maybe, something cheesy would be better. "Johnny, huh? How does he remind you of me?" he wondered, leaning against the backrest with his side while smirking at him. "I think it's a great idea... Though I should warn you, I'm insufferable to watch movies with and I might fall asleep after twenty minutes." |
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| “No, Billy... you never do what's expected of you... and certainly not when you're told to.”
Steve replied with a vague grin on his lips. He refrained from mentioning that the blond had listened to him several times and even carried out so-called orders. They had only been small things like: Take out the trash, shut up... throw your laundry in the basket and don't go outside. But for Billy Hargrove, he had reacted quite mildly to them. The mood slowly lightened and Steve visibly relaxed. At that moment, it was perhaps even important, so Billy could take care of his nose in peace. The fact that he wiped the single tear from his cheek made him smile again briefly, but when the other man finally let go of him, he shook his head cautiously. “I don't really feel much anymore since our little incident back then... I only feel pain... muffled.” He cleared his throat quietly and shrugged one shoulder. “That's kind of an advantage in the current situation. But to be honest, I'd probably still try to pretend I was damn strong. After all, that's what you do too.” A moment of calm ensued, of warmth... of shared closeness. Steve warmed Billy's hand, they looked at each other, and it felt wrong and right at the same time. Right prevailed, however, and Steve was somehow glad that his heart was beating a little faster at that moment... so he knew that everything was real, that it was genuine, but then he had this brilliant idea. He loved Dirty Dancing... he just loved that movie, even though he always had to watch it secretly because... it was apparently a total chick flick. Grinning, he jumped up and shook his head. “We have so much time to sleep... we're young, man. Going to bed at this hour would be weird... I mean, we're weird, but not that weird!” Steve didn't wait for Billy's answer, but he heard it as he searched for the video cassette. “Johnny is... oh... you'll see. I'm not going to spoil such a masterpiece for you!” He quickly skidded into the kitchen, grabbed a bag of popcorn, threw it on the couch table, and was back sitting next to Billy just as the first notes of the film's intro began to play. "I swear... you can't fall asleep watching this movie. Like I said... a true masterpiece.“ Completely enthusiastic and excited, Steve stared at the screen, having to restrain himself from talking along with the movie. Of course, he answered a few of Billy's questions, but with some of them he just rolled his eyes and grinned. When Billy asked why the fuck everyone called the young woman ”Baby," he sighed quietly. “Because she's the baby of the family? And I guess she was always cute and the nickname just stuck. I mean... she's just starting to grow up and stuff.” Just as things were getting dramatic... exciting, in a way, with Johnny's ex-girlfriend crying and almost dying after her terrible thing, he heard a soft snort next to him. His eyes widened and he stared at Billy in complete confusion. “Are you... serious?” He whispered in frustration, but he didn't want to wake him up. Billy needed all the sleep he could get. So Steve just stayed with him, covered him up, and when the movie ended, his eyes closed too. Hargrove had been right... they were both exhausted and needed to recharge.  AI GENERATED BY ME
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| END OF TAPE
NEXT CHAPTER: The Scapegoat → Dustin Henderson does his absolute best to avoid being seen as he retrieves his bike from Steve’s house, determined to leave before he notices — because the last thing he wants is to talk to him. But it’s no use. The angry words they both left unsaid finally force their way into the open. Is this really how their friendship ends… for good? 
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