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» PREVIOUSLY: Dreadfully Alive «
20 minutes later . . .
Getting the new IV wasn't as painful as last time. The nurse was very careful, but determined, and it only took one try to get it right in spite of her shaking hand.
Billy eyed her from the side. Women have never been scared of him before. He never had a reason to make them scared of him since they easily gave him what he wanted most of the time. It merely took a smile to make them swoon over him, one more tight pair of jeans to always gain their attention. Today, he only needed to flex his painful shoulders for that nurse to flinch away a little bit, and although he wanted nothing from her, that fraction of a twitch left a sting in his stomach.
His mother had always flinched the same when his father was close to losing his temper. The clattering sound of broken dishes was still in his ears after so long, and Billy could feel his rage rise up again when he remembered his mother crouching on the floor, crying, pressing her palm against her bleeding temple. Dad was standing above and pointed his finger at her, screaming something about "obedience" and "lack of respect". He'd called her a whore, a slut, a disgusting cunt. Billy had finally lost it, then. The boy would hit him with everything he had, but his tiny fists had no chance against the wrath of a furious father who was convinced he was right in his wrongdoings.
Dad locked him in his room after that. Billy would hear him scream some more, and Mom continued crying for hours.
She had already left the next day and he never saw her again.
These incidents always had a different start. Sometimes, there was an argument about dirty laundry or dishes, and other times, Dad was just drunk and angry after a stressful day at his stupid work, and every little inconvenience just set it off. But the one thing that always stayed the same was that flinch his mother made as soon as Dad raised his voice - that same flinch Billy's nurse made whenever he moved in her presence.
When Billy realized this, he was pretty sure that his wounds were tearing back open, at least that's how much it hurt.
He had already turned into the same despicable creature that his father always was, and Billy's chin trembled when he wasn't able to pinpoint the moment it had started. Everything crawled under his skin. There was an agonizing urge to just disappear into nothingness. He wanted to scrub the dirt off his body until no cell of himself was left.
The thought that he could be anything like his father made him feel so, so sick. The will to just rip his hair out was overwhelming.
"There, all done. The infusion is back on, too. Do you need anything else, Mr Hargrove?"
Billy got a little frightened when the nurse's mousy voice distracted him from his trance-like state. He shook his head, then caught a glimpse of her name tag. Sarah Gray.
She turned on her heels to leave, as did the two security guards who accompanied her.
"Wait. Um... You're... Sarah, right?" he asked.
The three of them turned back around. Sarah avoided his gaze. "I am, yes," she answered.
"Okay, Sarah... Look."
Hargrove licked his lips, chewing their dry skin before he found the right words to say. He'd stopped her before he could even think this through.
"I can tell you're scared of me. But I'm not gonna hurt you. You know that, right?"
The way he'd previously fought off security on the day he woke up told a different story. He realized this when Sarah didn't respond. Silence could be so telling. Her whole demeanor only reminded him of Heather again, how scared she was before Billy finally allowed the shadow to take her. His mother's face was the same before Dad hit her.
"I will let them know that you're ready for your visitor," Sarah said, the only words she could possibly bring up.
"Sarah, come on. I really have no reason to hurt you. I—I don't do that anymore, I didn't want to do what I've done—"
"I should go right away, Dr. Owens asked me to tell him as soon as possible."
All he had the capacity of doing was watching her leave with security in tow. Billy punched the mattress and let out a wail of frustration.
Great, you fucking idiot, he thought, looks like it's too late for that shit, anyways. Why the fuck did he care about that woman's opinion of him in the first place? God, he was just so fucking angry. All the damn time. If only there was anything he could've done to just distract himself from it. The constant anger drained him of his energy and made every passing minute in this dull room longer and longer, and the longer those minutes became, the more he doubted that this would ever end.
He ran his hands through his messy hair and waited, tugging on his locks until it hurt. Whatever remained of his nails after having chewed them off dug into his scalp. That pain was welcoming for once, much different from his deep wounds aching terribly every damn time he moved.
Only two minutes later, Owens came back in with a strange boy in tow, along with the two security guards from before. Billy sat up straight and eyed the kid. Was that the mysterious guest he'd talked about?
"Mr Hargrove, this is Will Byers. I'm sure you're familiar with his older brother Jonathan?"
Indeed, he was. Jonathan was the boyfriend of Karen's daughter, Nancy. That, and Will apparently went missing two years ago and he returned, even though a body had been found. He wasn't there to see it with his own eyes since it had happened before he and his family moved here.
Billy narrowed his eyes at the boy. It took a moment or two, but as he finally recognized the Byers boy, it struck him at once. He was one of Max' friends, one of those bratty kids at the sauna and the mall when all hell broke loose.
Frankly, he looked strange. Stiff as a statue, refusing to look at Billy, and giving Owens this insecure look that said 'Are you sure about this?'
Billy couldn't help but smirk a little.
"He's your specialist, huh?" he scoffed.
"He's not a specialist, like I said," Owens denied. "Will can help us find out if the shadow is still in your system. He can sense his presence."
"Sense his presence? What is he, a medium or what? I told you it's not in me anymore," Billy snarled.
"Unfortunately, given the shadow's manipulative nature, we cannot take your word for it. We have nothing to definitely prove this. We've only got Will's previous connection with the shadow," Owens elaborated.
Hargrove raised his eyebrow at the boy.
"Is that true, Byers?" he asked.
Will nodded hesitantly, "Yes, well... The Mind Flayer is really good at hiding, so I don't know if..."
Owens patted Will on the shoulder. "Don't worry, I'm sure it's gonna work, Will."
Meanwhile, Billy was amused about what Will called the shadow. Mind Flayer. Sounded like it came right out of a freak fantasy story. Then again, what was his story other than freakish and too absurd to be true?
"Alright, so... You're just gonna do, what exactly? Take a look at me and see if this thing is still possessing me?" Billy asked sceptically. Again, the Byers boy nodded. Jesus Christ.
"Fine, then. Alright. Do whatever you're... supposed to do."
Will looked at Owens, who then nodded back and just left the room without another word. Billy locked eyes with the insecure Will, who only fidgeted with his fingers until he pulled himself together and came closer. Hargrove never looked away. Finally, Will took a seat in front of the bed.
It was quiet between them for a while. To have security listen to every word again was more than uncomfortable. Sure, as Billy had previously realized, everything was being watched. But it felt much different when you didn't see the eyes.
"You... were there, too. In that mall. Right?" Billy asked with hesitation. He knew he didn't have to talk to Will if he didn't want to, but now that he knew who Owen's strange guest was, he couldn't hold it back. Answers were desperately needed.
Will replied, "Yes, I was. We were all there."
"And that monster... shadow... thing, it was real?"
Will nodded. Billy never truly doubted this, but the confirmation still made him feel uneasy. The memories surrounding that night were way too crazy to be made up by an insane mind. The monster's rotting smell still lingered in his nose, the fireworks flickered before his eyes. Billy took a deep breath and let it out.
Be a damn man.
"And you... The shadow took you, too?"
"Yes, last year. It tried to gain control of me, but my friends and my mom got it out of me."
"How?"
"Heat. The Mind Flayer likes it cold. They tied me in a room full of heaters to force it out of me."
Billy stared at him. The ice baths, he remembered them. How incredibly hot he'd felt when he tried to work in the blazing sun in spite of the fever. "That's why you little brats locked me in that sauna, right?" Owens did the same a day after he woke up. He'd heated up the room insufferably, but thankfully, nothing unusual seemed to happen apart from the flashbacks.
Again, Will only nodded, as if he was concerned about his reaction to it, but he remained calm. Sure, Billy looked like it angered him, but that seemed to be all. "What did that thing make you do?"
"Not that much, actually. Well... of course it had a hold on me and... it was painful and terrifying, but... perhaps I was too weak as a host. Maybe, that's why it chose you next."
Billy swallowed. That's probably not the only reason, he thought.
"How much control did you have when it was there?" he asked next.
"None."
That word had more weight than he could have imagined. His lungs forced him to take a few deep breaths despite the discomfort it caused. He observed the boy, eyes slowly dying. Was there hope that he didn't have to live with this guilt for the rest of his life?
Will continued. "When it was there, I screamed things I'd never say. I did things I'd never do. But I saw and felt it all, and I... was trapped. I tried to escape, bang against the walls, but it was like I was locked in a cage. I couldn't do anything. Like when you're in a nightmare, but you know you're in a nightmare and you're trying to wake yourself up, but you can't. You can't scream or move. So the nightmare just... goes on."
Billy related to this description so, so well, it felt like he was reliving it. Keep calm. He tried to focus on his breathing to keep his heartrate down. To say that it was hard would be an understatement. His whole body tensed up and he stared into the dark. He knew talking wouldn't make it all better.
"Is it still there, Byers? The shadow?" he said tiredly.
"Not right now, but to make sure it's not hiding... Can I take your hand for a moment?"
Why the hell would that shit help again?
Whatever. He was too tired to argue any more, so he reached out his hand. Will slowly took it in his own and twisted it slightly until their palms were connected and raised, like they were about to start a session of arm-wrestling. However, none of them strained their muscles for an uneven match, especially Billy's, whose hand was not fully closed around Will's. He only left it there, lifelessly. Will's hand was cold and wet from sweating and he subconsciously took deeper breaths when the boy tightened his grip.
Please be gone,Billy prayed in his mind. Please be gone, be gone, be gone...
Just the idea that these things could happen again filled him with such dread that his chin began to tremble. Everything in him hurt. He bared his teeth slightly as he felt an almost uncontrollable urge to let loose and just destroy everything in this room.
Be a man. Be a god damn man, Billy.
His teeth began to clatter faintly, then he clenched his jaw to stop them. Hot tears welled up in his eyes.
"No one is blaming you, you know," Will then suddenly said. His words cut through the silence like the sharpest knife.
Billy's eyes opened, inevitably locking with his.
"I know how you feel. It's not your fault... Nothing of what happened is your fault."
Billy shook his head.
"You didn't do these things," Will repeated.
"But I did," Billy denied. "I did do these things." He served as the perfect vessel for the Mind Flayer. All the violence and wrath in his heart and mind gave the shadow the most fitting breeding ground. If he had never turned into that jerk he was today, perhaps the shadow wouldn't have found any host good enough to cause such destruction. Perhaps none of this would've ever happened.
Maybe this was just wishful thinking but Billy couldn't allow himselfto ever feel free after this mess. To not be to blame felt... unfair. He bared his teeth, gaze becoming desperate. Will's touch was beginning to become unbearable and he just wanted this to be over already.
"Can you... sense anything, Byers?"
Will only furrowed his brows as an answer, as if he needed more focus. Billy's throat suddenly felt dry. What if the shadow was still there after all? What if it had grasped his soul so tightly that it could never exist on its own anymore?
"Please tell me if it's still there... I need to know, Byers. Please..."
The boy's grip tightened more. "I'm trying... I'm trying, I really am." At some point, Will grasped his hand so tightly that it started shaking. Then his wrist, then his whole arm. He had so little strength compared to Billy. Just then, Billy grabbed Will's wrist with his free hand to stop it from shaking, and his grip on the other finally closed, properly holding it.
Something changed in that moment.
Will relaxed completely and opened his eyes again, staring into Billy's. Ages seemed to pass. Billy held his breath until it hurt in his head, until he could feel the pressure riding in the veins on his neck. But then, Will swallowed, and nodded at him.
"It's... it's gone, Billy," he uttered softly. The boy let go of his hand, leaning back into his chair, putting on the truest but still shy smile. He seemed relieved for him, relieved that Billy didn't have to suffer the Mind Flayer's grasp on him anymore.
"A-Are you sure?" he asked, unbelieving, lower lip twitching and eyes turning red.
To his most relieving surprise, Will nodded, and there was no way Billy could stop himself from crying anymore. He buried his face in his hands, trying to hold himself back at first, but then sobbing, letting out all the anger and the pain — not only from the past few weeks, but also from his whole, pathetic life. And Will cried, too. They cried together; From the memories, the shared pain, the constant uncertainty and the crushing relief.
"It's gonna be okay," the boy said. "I'm okay, too."
At first, Billy felt pathetic for crying in front of a 14-year old, yet at the same time, he was too exhausted to give a single shit about that. He'd told Owens before that he knew the shadow wasn't in his system anymore, unable to provide an explanation as to why he was so certain; But the truth was that Billy was too afraid to face the possibility that it was ever coming back to control him. Now that he knew the shadow was gone, he finally crushed under the weight of guilt and relief at once.
All those lives, all those futures he stole. Gone.
He would never forget any of their faces for the rest of his life, but for now, the possibility of forgiveness, maybe just a little bit... It gave him life. Even if 'life' meant that his shoulders were shaking under his sobs. He didn't say thank you. He didn't need to. It was all out there already when he gave in.
Will sniffled and wiped his tears away. He was sure someone like Billy didn't need some kid like him to comfort him, but he placed his hand on his shoulder either way. It was a gentle touch, almost as soft as air.
There was hope, however fragile, that things would be okay someday.
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